Did you know we have an amazing e-book on the website this week....the best insights, expert tips and stories of the new-and-improved ChoiceMoms.org in 2010.
Check it out here
Mikki
Two weeks to post about
11 years ago
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Monday, May 24, 2010
VISIT THE NEW FORMAT
Note that in February 2010 the ChoiceMoms.org website moved to a more dynamic format that enables us to add daily blogs to the website itself in each category of the Choice Mom journey -- with even more bells and whistles that includes audio clips, sponsor deals, event details and more.
Visit the Trying section there at:
http://www.choicemoms.org/trying/3
Mikki
Visit the Trying section there at:
http://www.choicemoms.org/trying/3
Mikki
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Adaptive creatures and the Human Spark
This week the kids and I watched back-to-back PBS specials. About why humans developed into the overwhelming force that we are, rather than Neanderthals or apes. And how we manage to be happy.
If you were to blend the two different shows together, the message -- suitable for Choice Moms -- is this: our ability to adapt is what makes us strong.
In the show about emotions, they interviewed a former POW, who was tortured and in solitary confinement for eight years in Vietnam, but who doesn't regret those years away from his family because they made him into the man he is today. They interviewed a young man who became paralyzed and now is CEO of his own skincare line as a result. The interviewed a major lottery winner who, unlike counterparts who changed their lives dramatically and became focused on partying, sent family members to college and did the performance art he always wanted to do, but HIS way. (He also bought a major league NYC penthouse and filled it with Italian decor.)
In Alan Alda's exploration of the Human Spark, we saw that in the archeological sand pits of Africa and Europe scientists are finding more evidence. What led our version of Man to spread might have been the ability to not only create new technologies (in those days, spears and arrows rather than simply knives) but socially interact and communicate with others about how best to use them. Unlike Neanderthals, who were simply hearty enough to withstand climate changes for a time, our ancestors adapted tools and living styles in order to grow as a community.
What was interesting in both shows to me was the message that standing your ground and fighting was not necessarily the key to well-being. Rather, when you see that there are some things out of your control, and adapt your mind to wrap around new solutions, you are more likely to shed blocks that hold you in place and move ahead to a stronger future.
So...as I watched these disparate shows, I couldn't help but think of Choice Moms.
We are strong and hearty, yes. But the happiest among us DO seem to be the adaptable ones. We find new solutions if the old idea isn't working. We find community connections to help bring us to a new level.
I'm excited about the new Choice Mom resources I'm unveiling in this new 2010. Some of the old tools are being adapted, and new ones are emerging in order to solve the needs of the community.
What about you? Is the path you are on working for you? Or is it time to think of a new way around something that has been blocking you for too long? Do you need to do a better job of reaching out to community this year? Do you have a fertility plan that needs markers: this many IUI, then I save for IVF or adoption? Do you have an adoption strategy that is moving forward?
If you were to blend the two different shows together, the message -- suitable for Choice Moms -- is this: our ability to adapt is what makes us strong.
In the show about emotions, they interviewed a former POW, who was tortured and in solitary confinement for eight years in Vietnam, but who doesn't regret those years away from his family because they made him into the man he is today. They interviewed a young man who became paralyzed and now is CEO of his own skincare line as a result. The interviewed a major lottery winner who, unlike counterparts who changed their lives dramatically and became focused on partying, sent family members to college and did the performance art he always wanted to do, but HIS way. (He also bought a major league NYC penthouse and filled it with Italian decor.)
In Alan Alda's exploration of the Human Spark, we saw that in the archeological sand pits of Africa and Europe scientists are finding more evidence. What led our version of Man to spread might have been the ability to not only create new technologies (in those days, spears and arrows rather than simply knives) but socially interact and communicate with others about how best to use them. Unlike Neanderthals, who were simply hearty enough to withstand climate changes for a time, our ancestors adapted tools and living styles in order to grow as a community.
What was interesting in both shows to me was the message that standing your ground and fighting was not necessarily the key to well-being. Rather, when you see that there are some things out of your control, and adapt your mind to wrap around new solutions, you are more likely to shed blocks that hold you in place and move ahead to a stronger future.
So...as I watched these disparate shows, I couldn't help but think of Choice Moms.
We are strong and hearty, yes. But the happiest among us DO seem to be the adaptable ones. We find new solutions if the old idea isn't working. We find community connections to help bring us to a new level.
I'm excited about the new Choice Mom resources I'm unveiling in this new 2010. Some of the old tools are being adapted, and new ones are emerging in order to solve the needs of the community.
What about you? Is the path you are on working for you? Or is it time to think of a new way around something that has been blocking you for too long? Do you need to do a better job of reaching out to community this year? Do you have a fertility plan that needs markers: this many IUI, then I save for IVF or adoption? Do you have an adoption strategy that is moving forward?
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Are you jealous?
It's hard to see pregnant women around us, especially during the holiday season, especially if we've been trying to conceive for awhile.
One woman posted about her emotions at this time, on the Choice Mom discussion board, and here's the response of 46-year-old Morgan, mother of twins who is trying to add one more child to their family:
Your feelings are so normal and you're very much where I was at some years ago. I have an older sister who had three children and around the time I was thinking about becoming a choice mom, she got PG with twins - her 4th and 5th children. When I heard her news, I was twisted up with jealousy. It seemed so unfair that she was onto the 4th and 5th children, and was only 17 months older than me, but married for 17 yrs by then. By contrast, I was 4 yrs out of my last long-term relationship and desperate for a baby.
I felt sick and ill when she told me. At this time in my life, it seemed as if everywhere I looked, every woman I saw was PG or had children and none seemed to appreciate their children properly. My sister had a stay-at-home husband (she has a high flying career) and a nanny and parents-in-law and went back to work 2 days after she gave birth to her twins. She didn't seem to me to want them as much as I might have wanted children, and her husband hadn't wanted them at all.
It's a horrible feeling to be riven with jealousy. Focusing on wanting what another has can make you stagnate in those feelings of bitterness.
I chose instead to focus on what I could do for myself. And three years down the line, I ended up having my own twins, the day before I turned 38.
Set your sights on your own dream and pursue that goal as much as you can. I still have times when I feel jealous of other families where there's a partner, grandparents, and au pair supporting the family and I'm doing this completely on my own.
But then I see what happened to my sister's family....two years after she gave birth to her twins, she went through an acrimonious divorce. Her husband has refused further contact with the three older children and rarely sees the twins - now 11 - except when it's with the twins of his housekeeper/lover at the same time.
There's much I haven't got, but at least there's so much I HAVE, and my sons will never be torn apart by parents in conflict, which was both my own experience as a child and the experience of my sister's five children.
I don't think there will be a woman on this forum who hasn't felt that jealousy at a very visceral level. But my experience is that you can use the energy locked into that feeling to power your own journey towards your goal.
What about you? How have you channeled negative emotions into something positive?
One woman posted about her emotions at this time, on the Choice Mom discussion board, and here's the response of 46-year-old Morgan, mother of twins who is trying to add one more child to their family:
Your feelings are so normal and you're very much where I was at some years ago. I have an older sister who had three children and around the time I was thinking about becoming a choice mom, she got PG with twins - her 4th and 5th children. When I heard her news, I was twisted up with jealousy. It seemed so unfair that she was onto the 4th and 5th children, and was only 17 months older than me, but married for 17 yrs by then. By contrast, I was 4 yrs out of my last long-term relationship and desperate for a baby.
I felt sick and ill when she told me. At this time in my life, it seemed as if everywhere I looked, every woman I saw was PG or had children and none seemed to appreciate their children properly. My sister had a stay-at-home husband (she has a high flying career) and a nanny and parents-in-law and went back to work 2 days after she gave birth to her twins. She didn't seem to me to want them as much as I might have wanted children, and her husband hadn't wanted them at all.
It's a horrible feeling to be riven with jealousy. Focusing on wanting what another has can make you stagnate in those feelings of bitterness.
I chose instead to focus on what I could do for myself. And three years down the line, I ended up having my own twins, the day before I turned 38.
Set your sights on your own dream and pursue that goal as much as you can. I still have times when I feel jealous of other families where there's a partner, grandparents, and au pair supporting the family and I'm doing this completely on my own.
But then I see what happened to my sister's family....two years after she gave birth to her twins, she went through an acrimonious divorce. Her husband has refused further contact with the three older children and rarely sees the twins - now 11 - except when it's with the twins of his housekeeper/lover at the same time.
There's much I haven't got, but at least there's so much I HAVE, and my sons will never be torn apart by parents in conflict, which was both my own experience as a child and the experience of my sister's five children.
I don't think there will be a woman on this forum who hasn't felt that jealousy at a very visceral level. But my experience is that you can use the energy locked into that feeling to power your own journey towards your goal.
What about you? How have you channeled negative emotions into something positive?
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
When friends piss you off because of this choice
A woman wrote recently about the unfortunate comments of a close friend of hers, after announcing that she was on the Choice Mom path. Many women responded by letting her know that the "toxic" ones need to be let go of when we're on the journey, because we need to focus our energies with the positive people in our community, not the ones who are focused on their own issues.
This response from Morgan was a good one, useful for anyone who deals with the community acceptance issue.
I found that when I became pregnant, all kinds of unexpected things happened in my friends and family. I think it can be hugely provocative to many people, that we become Choice Moms.
My two closest female friends, who lived nearby and who'd originally agreed to be my birth partners and hands-on support, suddenly did a big rejection of me and my choice when I was 19 weeks PG. This was totally unexpected to me. On the other hand, my parents -- 'conservative, traditionalists' -- were incredibly positive about my choice, also unexpectedly. My sister was the person who suggested becoming a Choice Mom to me in the first place. My brother, the family member to whom I'd always been closest all my life, reacted weirdly and withdrew.
What I'm getting at is that you never know what kind of response you'll get from anyone until that time comes. I imagine your friend has all kinds of unresolved issues herself perhaps about being an autonomous women, without a life partner (Is she scared of that? Does she crave this? Is she jealous of your strength?), about having a baby (Is she worried it'll take you away from her when the focus becomes your child? Does she want - and not have - a child of her own?) Who knows what's going on for her but at least something is clearer now for you with her, given her reaction. Can you trust her to be the kind of friend you want and need at a time like this?
Our types of friendship may change radically when we become Choice Moms. Sources of support may come from unexpected places, as may rejection/ abandonment/ negativity.
Is she the kind of friend you can have a 'heart-to'heart with over this and she'll really listen and take heed? Is the friendship worth you being authentic and honest with her about how you feel at her reaction? Is this a warning that you may need to look elsewhere for friends when you're a mom?
My two friends completely rejected me and have never come back into my life, and so have missed out on my beautiful twin sons, and on me. My brother is very peripheral to our lives. Though both my parents are now dead, their support for me becoming a Choice Mom still gives me strength inside. In fact, one of the last things my mom ever said to me was that she was glad I'd had my babies.
Before children, people's flippant attitudes and minor unkindnesses mattered less to me than they do now that I'm a mom. Now there are three of us here to be affected, and two of those are my vulnerable little children who I refuse to expose to people who aren't 100 percent good for me and for them.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
This response from Morgan was a good one, useful for anyone who deals with the community acceptance issue.
I found that when I became pregnant, all kinds of unexpected things happened in my friends and family. I think it can be hugely provocative to many people, that we become Choice Moms.
My two closest female friends, who lived nearby and who'd originally agreed to be my birth partners and hands-on support, suddenly did a big rejection of me and my choice when I was 19 weeks PG. This was totally unexpected to me. On the other hand, my parents -- 'conservative, traditionalists' -- were incredibly positive about my choice, also unexpectedly. My sister was the person who suggested becoming a Choice Mom to me in the first place. My brother, the family member to whom I'd always been closest all my life, reacted weirdly and withdrew.
What I'm getting at is that you never know what kind of response you'll get from anyone until that time comes. I imagine your friend has all kinds of unresolved issues herself perhaps about being an autonomous women, without a life partner (Is she scared of that? Does she crave this? Is she jealous of your strength?), about having a baby (Is she worried it'll take you away from her when the focus becomes your child? Does she want - and not have - a child of her own?) Who knows what's going on for her but at least something is clearer now for you with her, given her reaction. Can you trust her to be the kind of friend you want and need at a time like this?
Our types of friendship may change radically when we become Choice Moms. Sources of support may come from unexpected places, as may rejection/ abandonment/ negativity.
Is she the kind of friend you can have a 'heart-to'heart with over this and she'll really listen and take heed? Is the friendship worth you being authentic and honest with her about how you feel at her reaction? Is this a warning that you may need to look elsewhere for friends when you're a mom?
My two friends completely rejected me and have never come back into my life, and so have missed out on my beautiful twin sons, and on me. My brother is very peripheral to our lives. Though both my parents are now dead, their support for me becoming a Choice Mom still gives me strength inside. In fact, one of the last things my mom ever said to me was that she was glad I'd had my babies.
Before children, people's flippant attitudes and minor unkindnesses mattered less to me than they do now that I'm a mom. Now there are three of us here to be affected, and two of those are my vulnerable little children who I refuse to expose to people who aren't 100 percent good for me and for them.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Tips for at-home insemination
Anna posted this to the Choice Mom board and I thought it was well worth sharing here, in response to a woman who is trying to conceive with at-home insemination using a known donor.
Has your partner been checked? It takes two to tango as they say, so if he hasn't already he might want to get his sperm count, morphology checked. Also check your blood types to make sure you are compatible and do a check to make sure you don't have "hostile cervical mucous"...that phrase just makes me giggle every time...
If you are worried about your lining but trying to get pregnant the "old fashioned way" you should get it checked via ultrasound around the time before you would normally have your surge. They can also monitor your follicle growth. I also recommend keeping a journal, doing basal temperature charting and ovulation predictor kits, understanding the signs your body gives when you are at certain points in your cycle, and generally getting to know yourself better in terms of your cycles. [NOTE from Mikki: ChoiceMoms.org has some good articles and podcasts about this subject.]
For getting a nice thick happy lining, try getting acupuncture and Mayan abdominal massage (only in the first half of your cycle for the massage) and drink three cups of raspberry leaf tea a day (put it in a cup, pour BOILING water over it, then cover it and let it steep for at least 10 minutes). I did raspberry leaf tea one cycle and my lining added an extra 3cm. Also, it is very important to stay hydrated...cut out caffiene, sugar, table salt, alcohol, drink plenty of water, etc.
There are a ton of factors that go into getting your body ready for accepting that burrowing embryo.
Meditation, yoga, visualization, relaxation exercises, acupressure, chiropractic adjustment, massage, acupuncture, and herbal supplements can all help to improve relaxation and hormone balance and increase blood flow to your vital bits.
Lastly, remember that in the "normal" coupled universe, docs don't generally think there is a "problem" unless you've been trying for over a year with no success. So five months is still early, and you've got an advantage having a [safe] fresh sperm partner over those of us who have to use spermcicles.
I hope my rambling advice helps. Seeing an RE might help and also find a good acupuncturist without a doubt! It's made a huge difference for me in terms of my mental clarity and stress levels, and that has to be good for future baby.
[NOTE: See also radio show #3, via ChoiceMoms.org, about fertility enhancement tips, from specialists in yoga, acupuncture, massage and nutrition.]
Has your partner been checked? It takes two to tango as they say, so if he hasn't already he might want to get his sperm count, morphology checked. Also check your blood types to make sure you are compatible and do a check to make sure you don't have "hostile cervical mucous"...that phrase just makes me giggle every time...
If you are worried about your lining but trying to get pregnant the "old fashioned way" you should get it checked via ultrasound around the time before you would normally have your surge. They can also monitor your follicle growth. I also recommend keeping a journal, doing basal temperature charting and ovulation predictor kits, understanding the signs your body gives when you are at certain points in your cycle, and generally getting to know yourself better in terms of your cycles. [NOTE from Mikki: ChoiceMoms.org has some good articles and podcasts about this subject.]
For getting a nice thick happy lining, try getting acupuncture and Mayan abdominal massage (only in the first half of your cycle for the massage) and drink three cups of raspberry leaf tea a day (put it in a cup, pour BOILING water over it, then cover it and let it steep for at least 10 minutes). I did raspberry leaf tea one cycle and my lining added an extra 3cm. Also, it is very important to stay hydrated...cut out caffiene, sugar, table salt, alcohol, drink plenty of water, etc.
There are a ton of factors that go into getting your body ready for accepting that burrowing embryo.
Meditation, yoga, visualization, relaxation exercises, acupressure, chiropractic adjustment, massage, acupuncture, and herbal supplements can all help to improve relaxation and hormone balance and increase blood flow to your vital bits.
Lastly, remember that in the "normal" coupled universe, docs don't generally think there is a "problem" unless you've been trying for over a year with no success. So five months is still early, and you've got an advantage having a [safe] fresh sperm partner over those of us who have to use spermcicles.
I hope my rambling advice helps. Seeing an RE might help and also find a good acupuncturist without a doubt! It's made a huge difference for me in terms of my mental clarity and stress levels, and that has to be good for future baby.
[NOTE: See also radio show #3, via ChoiceMoms.org, about fertility enhancement tips, from specialists in yoga, acupuncture, massage and nutrition.]
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Finding the light at the end of the tunnel
submitted by Barb, who responded to a woman on the Choice Mom discussion board who was feeling stressed about the challenges of fertility
I completely understand how you're feeling. I was there myself once. It is really so much a part of the process. You're reeling with a lot of different emotions, some of which you don't even know are there until something unexpected happens. I am currently in the process of trying to have a second child and every little speed bump or unexpected test result instantly shoots my emotions to the surface... and I remember how hard this was the first time.
It is a process you have to get used to. I know that probably isn't much help, but it's true. You really can't live your life expecting the unexpected or expecting things NOT to work, but you do have to start setting your life up to cope with the occasional setbacks and speed bumps. Even if all that means is that you should find a support person or someone you can vent to when things don't go as expected.
I vividly remember calling my friend Rhonda from the parking lot of a pharmacy after they didn't have my prescription for progesterone suppositories and they sent me to another pharmacy two miles away. The other pharmacy DID have what I needed, and it turned out to be no big deal. But in that moment, full of hormones and overwhelmed with the emotions of what I was undertaking, it felt like some giant sign from God. Why can't this be easy? Maybe I shouldn't be doing this. Maybe I'll never be a mother. My friend Rhonda just listened and reminded me that things were worse because of the hormones, and she didn't over-react when I barked at her insensitively.
And that moment passed. That drama passed. That day of fear and anxiety passed.
But there were many, many more of them on my journey to becoming a mother. Poor fertility test results. Insensitive doctors. Young, married friends who had oops pregnancies. Scheduling problems at a clinic. Panic over sperm delivery. The entire process was a series of dramas and emotional challenges.
But I learned how to cope with them. With each new drama that I survived I learned to stay calm, learned to wait to see what I was dealing with, learned how to keep my brain from spiraling off into my-god-what-am-i-doing-will-i-never-be-a-mother land.
And in the end it all worked out. I wouldn't change it for anything in the world. The process I went through to become a mother was good for me. It made me a better parent than I might have otherwise been. And it helped me learn that some things you just can't control... a big thing you will rediscover over and over and over again when you are a mother.
And you will be a mother if you really want it.
Your test results may not be great. But people with perfect test results can try for years and never get pregnant, and lots of women have bad results and end up pregnant right away. Medical science can do so much, and there are drugs and shots and procedures to help tackle so many fertility hurdles. The important thing is that you've made the decision to start this journey. That's a big commitment. It's scary. And it will be challenging. Over and over and over again. But you'll look back on this later and be so glad that you had the courage to try.
I completely understand how you're feeling. I was there myself once. It is really so much a part of the process. You're reeling with a lot of different emotions, some of which you don't even know are there until something unexpected happens. I am currently in the process of trying to have a second child and every little speed bump or unexpected test result instantly shoots my emotions to the surface... and I remember how hard this was the first time.
It is a process you have to get used to. I know that probably isn't much help, but it's true. You really can't live your life expecting the unexpected or expecting things NOT to work, but you do have to start setting your life up to cope with the occasional setbacks and speed bumps. Even if all that means is that you should find a support person or someone you can vent to when things don't go as expected.
I vividly remember calling my friend Rhonda from the parking lot of a pharmacy after they didn't have my prescription for progesterone suppositories and they sent me to another pharmacy two miles away. The other pharmacy DID have what I needed, and it turned out to be no big deal. But in that moment, full of hormones and overwhelmed with the emotions of what I was undertaking, it felt like some giant sign from God. Why can't this be easy? Maybe I shouldn't be doing this. Maybe I'll never be a mother. My friend Rhonda just listened and reminded me that things were worse because of the hormones, and she didn't over-react when I barked at her insensitively.
And that moment passed. That drama passed. That day of fear and anxiety passed.
But there were many, many more of them on my journey to becoming a mother. Poor fertility test results. Insensitive doctors. Young, married friends who had oops pregnancies. Scheduling problems at a clinic. Panic over sperm delivery. The entire process was a series of dramas and emotional challenges.
But I learned how to cope with them. With each new drama that I survived I learned to stay calm, learned to wait to see what I was dealing with, learned how to keep my brain from spiraling off into my-god-what-am-i-doing-will-i-never-be-a-mother land.
And in the end it all worked out. I wouldn't change it for anything in the world. The process I went through to become a mother was good for me. It made me a better parent than I might have otherwise been. And it helped me learn that some things you just can't control... a big thing you will rediscover over and over and over again when you are a mother.
And you will be a mother if you really want it.
Your test results may not be great. But people with perfect test results can try for years and never get pregnant, and lots of women have bad results and end up pregnant right away. Medical science can do so much, and there are drugs and shots and procedures to help tackle so many fertility hurdles. The important thing is that you've made the decision to start this journey. That's a big commitment. It's scary. And it will be challenging. Over and over and over again. But you'll look back on this later and be so glad that you had the courage to try.
Monday, June 8, 2009
questions for my doctor
submitted by Becky
I'm finally ready to meet with a Reproductive Endocrinologist, a week from today. I'm more nervous about this consult than I was visiting my OB last winter for the Clomid challenge and preconception screenings.
I've started a list of questions for the appointment, which may be too many or too few. For those of you who who have been through their first consultation, please let me know if I'm missing anything important:
1. Which is more appropriate for my situation - IUI or ICI?
2. Do you perform the insemination yourself?
3. How many vials per cycle should I order?
4. Does my donor need to be CMV neg?
5. Do I need to avoid certain blood types?
6. Will you work with my particular sperm bank? [editor's note: you should dictate choice of sperm bank, not the doctor]
7. How do you test sperm quality? Will you negotiate with the bank if the quality is sub-par?
8. How many treatment sessions should I anticipate, given my fertility "age"?
9. How many sessions of the suggested treatment do you recommend before moving on to more aggressive treatment options? What is our plan?
10. Will I be asked to see other doctors/staff members, or will the specialist I chose be the primary doctor?
11. If I ovulate during weekends and holidays, are you open?
That's all I could think of at the moment. Please send me any suggestions you have.
I'm finally ready to meet with a Reproductive Endocrinologist, a week from today. I'm more nervous about this consult than I was visiting my OB last winter for the Clomid challenge and preconception screenings.
I've started a list of questions for the appointment, which may be too many or too few. For those of you who who have been through their first consultation, please let me know if I'm missing anything important:
1. Which is more appropriate for my situation - IUI or ICI?
2. Do you perform the insemination yourself?
3. How many vials per cycle should I order?
4. Does my donor need to be CMV neg?
5. Do I need to avoid certain blood types?
6. Will you work with my particular sperm bank? [editor's note: you should dictate choice of sperm bank, not the doctor]
7. How do you test sperm quality? Will you negotiate with the bank if the quality is sub-par?
8. How many treatment sessions should I anticipate, given my fertility "age"?
9. How many sessions of the suggested treatment do you recommend before moving on to more aggressive treatment options? What is our plan?
10. Will I be asked to see other doctors/staff members, or will the specialist I chose be the primary doctor?
11. If I ovulate during weekends and holidays, are you open?
That's all I could think of at the moment. Please send me any suggestions you have.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Foster care adoption
this great post was offered on the Choice Mom discussion board by Mary, and I'm reprinting it here.
I am in the process in finalizing a foster-adoption. It has been an awesome experience and I am willing to talk to anyone about it. I am constantly amazed at how little is known about foster-adoption. There is a lot of misinformation out there and its sad because there are so many great kids who need a home.
The thing about foster-adoption is that the rules vary by state. Luckily I live in CA and there is no discrimination. I know that is not the case in other states. In International adoption, that certainly is not the case. Countries can exclude whoever they want from the process. I was told that I probably would not get a young child, it simply was not common for single adopters. I was fine with that. Imagine my surprise when I met my son. He was a little less than 1 year at our first meeting, and he was 15 months when he came to live with me forever.
I found that many things in the foster/adoption process are up to you and the effort you are willing to put in. The paper work can be daunting but how long it takes is more or less up to you. You do have to get finger printed and a background check and the time that takes will vary. I did that first, so by the time I finished the rest of my paperwork the results were back. It took me a year to finish the paperwork, but it could have taken a lot less if I had pushed it. When you pick an agency to go through ask how long it will take to finish your homestudy once your paperwork is done. My agency got my homestudy done in less than a month.
It did not cost me anything. $$ was one of the main reasons I ended up even looking at foster-adoption, I simply could not afford the $30,000 for international or domestic private adoption. I wanted to be able to stay home for a few weeks/months with my child and not have to worry about $$. As it turned out, I actually get foster care payments for my son and once the adoption is final I will be eligible for adoption assistance. I did not even know that when I started the process. I would survive without the $$ but I was able to use it to afford a fantastic pre-school for my son that would have otherwise been too expensive.
You can get an newborn through foster-adoption, at least in CA. I won't go into all of the details but its riskier. In general, there is a greater risk of reunification with the birth-parents or another family member. It is possible (even for single mothers) and I do know people who have gone this route. I decided it was not the correct path for me, but it might be for others.
One of other differences between foster-adoption and International or private domestic adoption is that you will be checked up on. Until the adoption is finalized, you are a foster parent and you will be visited by social workers. My social worker visits with me twice a month and my son's social worker (from the county) sees him once a month. When I was on leave, the visits were really great. It was nice just to see another adult sometimes who really understood what I was going through.
Now that I am working full-time, it's more difficult to fit these visits into our schedule. Luckily my social worker is really flexible. The county social worker often visits my son at pre-school. So we have made it work. In addition to the social workers, there are the various therapists that my son sees. Most of these visits have stopped. He made so much progress once he came to live with me, that we were able to end a lot of the services he was receiving. People have told me this is common. Having a forever home makes a huge difference in a child's development. The one therapist he still sees visits him at preschool. Even that therapy will probably end by his second birthday.
I cannot say enough good things about the foster-adoption process.
I am in the process in finalizing a foster-adoption. It has been an awesome experience and I am willing to talk to anyone about it. I am constantly amazed at how little is known about foster-adoption. There is a lot of misinformation out there and its sad because there are so many great kids who need a home.
The thing about foster-adoption is that the rules vary by state. Luckily I live in CA and there is no discrimination. I know that is not the case in other states. In International adoption, that certainly is not the case. Countries can exclude whoever they want from the process. I was told that I probably would not get a young child, it simply was not common for single adopters. I was fine with that. Imagine my surprise when I met my son. He was a little less than 1 year at our first meeting, and he was 15 months when he came to live with me forever.
I found that many things in the foster/adoption process are up to you and the effort you are willing to put in. The paper work can be daunting but how long it takes is more or less up to you. You do have to get finger printed and a background check and the time that takes will vary. I did that first, so by the time I finished the rest of my paperwork the results were back. It took me a year to finish the paperwork, but it could have taken a lot less if I had pushed it. When you pick an agency to go through ask how long it will take to finish your homestudy once your paperwork is done. My agency got my homestudy done in less than a month.
It did not cost me anything. $$ was one of the main reasons I ended up even looking at foster-adoption, I simply could not afford the $30,000 for international or domestic private adoption. I wanted to be able to stay home for a few weeks/months with my child and not have to worry about $$. As it turned out, I actually get foster care payments for my son and once the adoption is final I will be eligible for adoption assistance. I did not even know that when I started the process. I would survive without the $$ but I was able to use it to afford a fantastic pre-school for my son that would have otherwise been too expensive.
You can get an newborn through foster-adoption, at least in CA. I won't go into all of the details but its riskier. In general, there is a greater risk of reunification with the birth-parents or another family member. It is possible (even for single mothers) and I do know people who have gone this route. I decided it was not the correct path for me, but it might be for others.
One of other differences between foster-adoption and International or private domestic adoption is that you will be checked up on. Until the adoption is finalized, you are a foster parent and you will be visited by social workers. My social worker visits with me twice a month and my son's social worker (from the county) sees him once a month. When I was on leave, the visits were really great. It was nice just to see another adult sometimes who really understood what I was going through.
Now that I am working full-time, it's more difficult to fit these visits into our schedule. Luckily my social worker is really flexible. The county social worker often visits my son at pre-school. So we have made it work. In addition to the social workers, there are the various therapists that my son sees. Most of these visits have stopped. He made so much progress once he came to live with me, that we were able to end a lot of the services he was receiving. People have told me this is common. Having a forever home makes a huge difference in a child's development. The one therapist he still sees visits him at preschool. Even that therapy will probably end by his second birthday.
I cannot say enough good things about the foster-adoption process.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
IVF or bust??
After a Choice Mom-in-the-making wrote to the discussion board about her fifth unsuccessful attempt at IUI, and her inability to pay for the more expensive IVF cycle, women chimed in with supportive words and resources, which we are collecting for the ChoiceMoms.org website.
Here was one strong post of encouragement, reprinted here by permission:
I am so sorry that you are having to see a stupid BFN!!! I hope you will be comforted a little by knowing that you are not alone. Be gentle to yourself, cry all you want, scream if you have to, chuck a sickie at work, and feel free to gorge yourself on chocolate or have a nice big BFNtini.
As far as IVF goes, don't give up hope. If my IUIs don't work (I get six tries with insurance) then I will be in the same boat as you and I've been looking into ways to make it cheaper.
Here are a few suggestions. While not simple or fast answers, they might help you find a way to reduce the cost.
1. Check out the Fertile Dreams website. They give out an annual grant for folks who could otherwise not afford IVF. There are a few other groups like this out there, and many of them seem very couple-focused, but Fertile Dreams is one I contacted and they were really cool about me being single. If your story is compelling and you show that you can provide a great home, you may well be a contender.
2. Look into international IVF. There are several countries that offer IVF for near 1/3 the cost of what it is in the U.S. Shop around and check with folks about the reputation of each place.
3. How about a fundraiser? I know several people who did adoption fundraisers. Why not an IVF fundraiser? If you have a strong community of supporters (church, clubs, family, friends) and rally them to your cause, you could do one of those candy sales or a car wash or rummage sale and make a few thousand that way. There are some organizations out there for this sort of thing too, that help you by providing a non-profit type status so that people who donate to the fundraiser can also get a tax deduction for it.
4. Depending on your age, some IVF clinics will reduce the cost of IVF if you agree to be an egg donor for another couple. Also, I know several people who "haggled" with their IVF clinic and shopped around. These clinics are making profit on their treatments and there is certainly room for them to bring their prices down. I'm a HORRIBLE haggler so this doesn't appeal, but my brother is a haggling genius (I call it the Jedi Mind Trick) so if it ever comes to IVF for me, I'm going to have him haggle for me.
5. Consider doing another IUI with more aggressive fertility meds. When we are older, a lot of the eggos can't get us preggo. If you are willing to agree to a selective reduction, some docs might allow you to do an IUI with greater stimulation.
Editor's note: Choice Mom friend Reproductive Science Center of the Bay Area is one place that is offering a 25 percent discount in 2009 to celebrate its 25th anniversary.
Here was one strong post of encouragement, reprinted here by permission:
I am so sorry that you are having to see a stupid BFN!!! I hope you will be comforted a little by knowing that you are not alone. Be gentle to yourself, cry all you want, scream if you have to, chuck a sickie at work, and feel free to gorge yourself on chocolate or have a nice big BFNtini.
As far as IVF goes, don't give up hope. If my IUIs don't work (I get six tries with insurance) then I will be in the same boat as you and I've been looking into ways to make it cheaper.
Here are a few suggestions. While not simple or fast answers, they might help you find a way to reduce the cost.
1. Check out the Fertile Dreams website. They give out an annual grant for folks who could otherwise not afford IVF. There are a few other groups like this out there, and many of them seem very couple-focused, but Fertile Dreams is one I contacted and they were really cool about me being single. If your story is compelling and you show that you can provide a great home, you may well be a contender.
2. Look into international IVF. There are several countries that offer IVF for near 1/3 the cost of what it is in the U.S. Shop around and check with folks about the reputation of each place.
3. How about a fundraiser? I know several people who did adoption fundraisers. Why not an IVF fundraiser? If you have a strong community of supporters (church, clubs, family, friends) and rally them to your cause, you could do one of those candy sales or a car wash or rummage sale and make a few thousand that way. There are some organizations out there for this sort of thing too, that help you by providing a non-profit type status so that people who donate to the fundraiser can also get a tax deduction for it.
4. Depending on your age, some IVF clinics will reduce the cost of IVF if you agree to be an egg donor for another couple. Also, I know several people who "haggled" with their IVF clinic and shopped around. These clinics are making profit on their treatments and there is certainly room for them to bring their prices down. I'm a HORRIBLE haggler so this doesn't appeal, but my brother is a haggling genius (I call it the Jedi Mind Trick) so if it ever comes to IVF for me, I'm going to have him haggle for me.
5. Consider doing another IUI with more aggressive fertility meds. When we are older, a lot of the eggos can't get us preggo. If you are willing to agree to a selective reduction, some docs might allow you to do an IUI with greater stimulation.
Editor's note: Choice Mom friend Reproductive Science Center of the Bay Area is one place that is offering a 25 percent discount in 2009 to celebrate its 25th anniversary.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
How I went from Thinker to Tryer
Hi, I’m Beth. I'm 30 (and racing toward 31), Caucasian, and somewhat overweight. I am close to most of my big, boisterous family. My mom raised me and my three siblings on her own for much of my life. I live with my sister and nephew, and our two cats. I have a BA in Political Science, an MA in Liberal Studies: Leadership, and I'm working on an AS in Graphic Design. I work full-time as an academic advisor and administrator at the local public university (with 53K students and counting), and I freelance for fun as a graphic designer. I attend a Unitarian Universalist Congregation, and enjoy reading and bike riding in my free time. I live in Florida, but hope to live someplace with seasons later in life. I’m actively trying to become a Choice Mom, here’s my story:
The closer I came to 30, the further I fell into a funk. I like men, I date them, but I haven't found one that I wanted to be with forever and always, and that's what I want out of marriage.
I'm not all that bothered by being single. I like my independence and don't miss the companionship as much as many of my girlfriends do. That's not to say that I don't wish the perfect guy had fallen into my lap and swept me off my overly realistic feet. To be honest, I'm not a romantic, and I'm not even sure I know exactly what it would take to be ready to spend one's life with another person. HOWEVER, I have always known that I wanted to be a mother, hence the deepening funk.
So, I looked around at my little world, and then at the bigger world beyond it, and realized that there are many paths to my goal, despite the cultural story I grew up with.
My aha moment happened one weekend while I was watching TLC just for a ‘good cry.’ I was sad because apparently the condom didn't break and I wasn't pregnant, just another of my famously late periods. I was watching an episode of 'A Baby Story.' (You may have seen it, girl decides to go it on her own, but magically a guy appears in her life and agrees to be the donor and then they get married and live happily ever after?)
Well, setting aside the happily ever after part, I decided that she'd had a fantastic idea! So once I got over the initial shock of 'What will people think?’ I started doing my research.
After this epiphany I made some appointments with my OB, and got on the waiting list for the fertility clinic nearest my home. I intended to get the information and hold onto it for a few years while I saved up a college fund and bought a home, but I didn't get great news. I didn't get awful news, but it was a little surprising to be having problems at 30. After all 40 is the new 30, right?
I was diagnosed with PCOS and borderline insulin resistance. I realize that it could be exactly the same situation in 5 years, or even 10, but it could also progress and make pregnancy very hard to accomplish. So I decided that 'why not now?' was the attitude I needed. And what I found out when I asked, "Why not now?" was that what I really wanted more than anything else right now was to start my journey to motherhood. I have a masters degree, and a stable job, and enough money, and savings, and a good home, and loving family... now is actually a great time.
Fast forward to today. We've learned that I ovulate ever so slowly, but at least I still do. Clomid doesn't work so well, so I am doing stim injections to speed things up a bit and to increase my odds. I will have my third IUI on Thursday, and as always I’m so hopeful and excited.
I'm also open to adoption if this path doesn't lead to pregnancy. I had a child when I was 15, young, stupid, and looking for attention. I entrusted his upbringing to two amazing wonderful people who have given him much more than I could have... so yeah, I'd be happy to be that loving parent for another child. But, I’d really like to experience a happy, welcome pregnancy, and there is just something that seems so unfair about the idea that I might not be able to have children now that I'm ready. There have been bumps in the road, but I believe in my heart I'll get there.
So that's my story.
What's yours?
The closer I came to 30, the further I fell into a funk. I like men, I date them, but I haven't found one that I wanted to be with forever and always, and that's what I want out of marriage.
I'm not all that bothered by being single. I like my independence and don't miss the companionship as much as many of my girlfriends do. That's not to say that I don't wish the perfect guy had fallen into my lap and swept me off my overly realistic feet. To be honest, I'm not a romantic, and I'm not even sure I know exactly what it would take to be ready to spend one's life with another person. HOWEVER, I have always known that I wanted to be a mother, hence the deepening funk.
So, I looked around at my little world, and then at the bigger world beyond it, and realized that there are many paths to my goal, despite the cultural story I grew up with.
My aha moment happened one weekend while I was watching TLC just for a ‘good cry.’ I was sad because apparently the condom didn't break and I wasn't pregnant, just another of my famously late periods. I was watching an episode of 'A Baby Story.' (You may have seen it, girl decides to go it on her own, but magically a guy appears in her life and agrees to be the donor and then they get married and live happily ever after?)
Well, setting aside the happily ever after part, I decided that she'd had a fantastic idea! So once I got over the initial shock of 'What will people think?’ I started doing my research.
After this epiphany I made some appointments with my OB, and got on the waiting list for the fertility clinic nearest my home. I intended to get the information and hold onto it for a few years while I saved up a college fund and bought a home, but I didn't get great news. I didn't get awful news, but it was a little surprising to be having problems at 30. After all 40 is the new 30, right?
I was diagnosed with PCOS and borderline insulin resistance. I realize that it could be exactly the same situation in 5 years, or even 10, but it could also progress and make pregnancy very hard to accomplish. So I decided that 'why not now?' was the attitude I needed. And what I found out when I asked, "Why not now?" was that what I really wanted more than anything else right now was to start my journey to motherhood. I have a masters degree, and a stable job, and enough money, and savings, and a good home, and loving family... now is actually a great time.
Fast forward to today. We've learned that I ovulate ever so slowly, but at least I still do. Clomid doesn't work so well, so I am doing stim injections to speed things up a bit and to increase my odds. I will have my third IUI on Thursday, and as always I’m so hopeful and excited.
I'm also open to adoption if this path doesn't lead to pregnancy. I had a child when I was 15, young, stupid, and looking for attention. I entrusted his upbringing to two amazing wonderful people who have given him much more than I could have... so yeah, I'd be happy to be that loving parent for another child. But, I’d really like to experience a happy, welcome pregnancy, and there is just something that seems so unfair about the idea that I might not be able to have children now that I'm ready. There have been bumps in the road, but I believe in my heart I'll get there.
So that's my story.
What's yours?
Monday, January 5, 2009
Hope: the four-letter H word
Just prior to the holidays, a little girl who tends to like to dance in front of the sanctuary whenever our music plays, did a dance that made many of us weep. My favorite Unitarian Universalist minister, Kate Tucker, then got up, still teary, to deliver her sermon about Hope: The four-letter H word.
She talked about people in a conversation circle with her who described their own visions of hope. The person who said we get energy from hope. The homeless man who teaches people trying to finish their high school education. A woman who found hope through infertility to adoption.
Kate said that hope is about reaching out to find the help we need in order to make things happen. Because being without hope -- hopelessness -- is stuckness.
When we reach out for it, hope becomes our partner. We have the choice to sit and hope for something to happen. Or, with hope as our helpmate, we can proactively do a huge amount of work to propel us forward.
With hope, she said, it is not that we are then able to find something/someone who lines up with our pre-selected requirements. But that we are then able to recognize and be released into our own power.
Kate said that hope:
I had only an eyeliner pencil in my purse, and used it in place of a pen to scribble down phrases as fast as I could.
Since then, I have seen the power of hope in so many ways. And how dejected and stuck we are without it. I have also seen that it is not an external power that chooses us. It is us who choose it.
In the Trying stage, there are naturally times of fear and hopelessness and despair and impatience. But always around us, available when we want to grab for it, is the comforting, energizing cloak of Hope, the healing, holy four-letter word that can help us realize the dreams that WE set in motion.
She talked about people in a conversation circle with her who described their own visions of hope. The person who said we get energy from hope. The homeless man who teaches people trying to finish their high school education. A woman who found hope through infertility to adoption.
Kate said that hope is about reaching out to find the help we need in order to make things happen. Because being without hope -- hopelessness -- is stuckness.
When we reach out for it, hope becomes our partner. We have the choice to sit and hope for something to happen. Or, with hope as our helpmate, we can proactively do a huge amount of work to propel us forward.
With hope, she said, it is not that we are then able to find something/someone who lines up with our pre-selected requirements. But that we are then able to recognize and be released into our own power.
Kate said that hope:
• sees what is possible when others do not;
• can imagine a way out, a way in, another way;
• is active waiting;
• does not yield;
• is the moving current that carries us forward;
• has the power to heal;
• is living in a world where everything -- frozen grass, snow scrapers, warm bed, coffee -- is holy.
I had only an eyeliner pencil in my purse, and used it in place of a pen to scribble down phrases as fast as I could.
Since then, I have seen the power of hope in so many ways. And how dejected and stuck we are without it. I have also seen that it is not an external power that chooses us. It is us who choose it.
In the Trying stage, there are naturally times of fear and hopelessness and despair and impatience. But always around us, available when we want to grab for it, is the comforting, energizing cloak of Hope, the healing, holy four-letter word that can help us realize the dreams that WE set in motion.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Creating a fatherless child, with fear and courage
submitted by Roni
With one 2ww under my belt (no pun intended), I've already started injecting myself with Puregon (follicle growth stimulant) for the next try and am once again feeling empowered with taking destiny into my own hands--in as much as I have control over it,limited though it may be.
It's been very interesting to see how each of the stages with its own unique experiences brings up so many overlapping feeling states. I realize that going from "thinking" to "trying" to "waiting"(and the time span between the latter two is only about 12-14 days) has no clearly demarcated emotional lines.
I have been more diligent about reading the Choice Mom discussion group digests every day. For a while in my "thinking" stage I would simply delete the mail without opening them because I was unable to make a decision either way and it was too painful to read some of the posts or to be involved with women who were so invested in the process
I felt I'd chickened out of.
I now find myself feeling very validated by what other women are writing, while at other times I feel a bit dismal because of others' pain and suffering and failed attempts. I don't find it to be too much of a hassle or emotional drain going through the technical aspect of the trying process. I find it much more emotionally draining vacillating between my deep desire to have a biological child only to then still feel devastated by the thought of cheating my child out of the father they should, by natural law, be entitled to.
I still struggle with my own issue of being fatherless from the age of 7-15, when my father left for another country with his new family. I try to remind myself that my child will only feel as "deprived" as I project onto him/her from my own experiences. Then I pull myself together mentally and say "right, let's get on with this."
At this stage of things I permit myself to be on auto-pilot because I've made my decision to go ahead with it and that's that. And, I muse, there must surely be women who are pregnant or new moms or older moms who feel insecure with the huge responsibility of motherhood and I assume that is par for the course. Surely no woman -- mom or mom-to-be -- has all the answers.
I try to ride these waves and tell myself "courage, courage." Every great explorer must have fought the butterflies. The excitement and even trepidation of discovery is the reward for staying the course.
When I had my first IUI last month I was slightly nervous about the procedure. After I got up from the table, I was hit by a wave of melancholy. "Will this take? What if it does? I will be a single mom with no huge financial backing and no consistent male figure to offer him/her. How am I going to handle it? Will my child blame me?"
And, of course, the fear on the other side: "What if I can't conceive? Will I be childless? Will I have the emotional werewithal to try donor egg?"
And, over the course of the 2ww feeling, how the hormones affected my body. I was pregnant 7 years ago and because of all the wrong circumstances was forced to abort, so I found myself trying to compare what it was like then to what I was feeling now.
Then waking up one morning with a clear awareness that I wasn't pregnant because my body just told me so. In a way, it was a relief to finally know and then prepare myself for the next try.
Flowing through the stages has been very fluid, with lots of ups and downs regarding the decision to go ahead with it anyway. Sometimes excited and elated, sometimes pessimistic about my chances to conceive, and/or my insecurities about being a single choice mom.
For now, within the turbulence of my emotions, unlike over the past year of "thinking", I cut myself alot more slack and tell myself I don't have to have all
the answers or know all the outcomes now.
I am just enjoying the ride and I hold tight to my faith that if it be G-d's will for me to have a child, I will do my part in enabling that to take place. The result I, leave to Him.
With one 2ww under my belt (no pun intended), I've already started injecting myself with Puregon (follicle growth stimulant) for the next try and am once again feeling empowered with taking destiny into my own hands--in as much as I have control over it,limited though it may be.
It's been very interesting to see how each of the stages with its own unique experiences brings up so many overlapping feeling states. I realize that going from "thinking" to "trying" to "waiting"(and the time span between the latter two is only about 12-14 days) has no clearly demarcated emotional lines.
I have been more diligent about reading the Choice Mom discussion group digests every day. For a while in my "thinking" stage I would simply delete the mail without opening them because I was unable to make a decision either way and it was too painful to read some of the posts or to be involved with women who were so invested in the process
I felt I'd chickened out of.
I now find myself feeling very validated by what other women are writing, while at other times I feel a bit dismal because of others' pain and suffering and failed attempts. I don't find it to be too much of a hassle or emotional drain going through the technical aspect of the trying process. I find it much more emotionally draining vacillating between my deep desire to have a biological child only to then still feel devastated by the thought of cheating my child out of the father they should, by natural law, be entitled to.
I still struggle with my own issue of being fatherless from the age of 7-15, when my father left for another country with his new family. I try to remind myself that my child will only feel as "deprived" as I project onto him/her from my own experiences. Then I pull myself together mentally and say "right, let's get on with this."
At this stage of things I permit myself to be on auto-pilot because I've made my decision to go ahead with it and that's that. And, I muse, there must surely be women who are pregnant or new moms or older moms who feel insecure with the huge responsibility of motherhood and I assume that is par for the course. Surely no woman -- mom or mom-to-be -- has all the answers.
I try to ride these waves and tell myself "courage, courage." Every great explorer must have fought the butterflies. The excitement and even trepidation of discovery is the reward for staying the course.
When I had my first IUI last month I was slightly nervous about the procedure. After I got up from the table, I was hit by a wave of melancholy. "Will this take? What if it does? I will be a single mom with no huge financial backing and no consistent male figure to offer him/her. How am I going to handle it? Will my child blame me?"
And, of course, the fear on the other side: "What if I can't conceive? Will I be childless? Will I have the emotional werewithal to try donor egg?"
And, over the course of the 2ww feeling, how the hormones affected my body. I was pregnant 7 years ago and because of all the wrong circumstances was forced to abort, so I found myself trying to compare what it was like then to what I was feeling now.
Then waking up one morning with a clear awareness that I wasn't pregnant because my body just told me so. In a way, it was a relief to finally know and then prepare myself for the next try.
Flowing through the stages has been very fluid, with lots of ups and downs regarding the decision to go ahead with it anyway. Sometimes excited and elated, sometimes pessimistic about my chances to conceive, and/or my insecurities about being a single choice mom.
For now, within the turbulence of my emotions, unlike over the past year of "thinking", I cut myself alot more slack and tell myself I don't have to have all
the answers or know all the outcomes now.
I am just enjoying the ride and I hold tight to my faith that if it be G-d's will for me to have a child, I will do my part in enabling that to take place. The result I, leave to Him.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Dating and trying to conceive
Jessica, 34, reported that after three failed insemination attempts she was also finding herself back on the dating scene. And enjoying it. With a few decent men on the horizon, she wasn't sure if/when, it was time to say "I'm also trying to conceive a baby." She wondered if she should take a break from trying while she dates -- but her doctor says she doesn't have much time left for fertility, with numbers as if she was a woman in her 40s. "It just feels so difficult and unfair to have to be in this position sometimes. I hate the fact that at 34 I am finding my fertility declining so much. If anyone has been in the same position or tried dating while trying to conceive, I would be interested in hearing your stories and how they ended up."
As Joni replied:
I dated a man a couple of years ago. Things didn't work out between us, but in the past few months he called me up and we went out a few more times. He was serious about me and about being in a relationship. I'm 39 and even though my doctor is not worried that I won't get pregnant, I am. In any event, after our 3rd date (the second time around) last week, I told him what I was doing, and that I didn't want to put things on hold with TTC because of my age. I felt like I was being unfair and not completely honest by dating him while trying to get pregnant. I think he needed a drink after I told him. But he understood completely and at the end of it we agreed to stay friends. But we won't be moving forward with the relationship. I just don't want to risk my fertility that maybe he would work out. And he doesn't want to date a woman who is trying to get pregnant without him - can't say I blame him. And neither of us are ready to have a child together. And, ultimately, I want to have a child. The relationship, for me, can wait. The baby cannot.
A new Choice Mom responded:
I decided to defer dating when I was trying. It just made me question my decision and wonder if maybe a relationship would work out. So I stopped. It took a year to get pregnant with my daughter. Now that she is here I can say I really don't miss dating at all. I am not sure I could fit it in. Maybe later when my daughter is bigger. I think what I really wanted from the dating was a relationship leading to a child. Now that I have her the other parts don't seem so important.
Another Choice Mom replied:
While I agree I don't miss dating (who does?), I am still very lonely. My son keeps me busy, but he doesn't take the place of a grown-up relationship. My child fills the need to have a child. I'm still a bit angry and sad that I don't have something for me in this, and with a baby, it's most likely going to be a long time, if ever, that I get there. So if you're dating to find a daddy, you probably won't miss it. But if you're dating to find a mate, that probably won't go away.
As Joni replied:
I dated a man a couple of years ago. Things didn't work out between us, but in the past few months he called me up and we went out a few more times. He was serious about me and about being in a relationship. I'm 39 and even though my doctor is not worried that I won't get pregnant, I am. In any event, after our 3rd date (the second time around) last week, I told him what I was doing, and that I didn't want to put things on hold with TTC because of my age. I felt like I was being unfair and not completely honest by dating him while trying to get pregnant. I think he needed a drink after I told him. But he understood completely and at the end of it we agreed to stay friends. But we won't be moving forward with the relationship. I just don't want to risk my fertility that maybe he would work out. And he doesn't want to date a woman who is trying to get pregnant without him - can't say I blame him. And neither of us are ready to have a child together. And, ultimately, I want to have a child. The relationship, for me, can wait. The baby cannot.
A new Choice Mom responded:
I decided to defer dating when I was trying. It just made me question my decision and wonder if maybe a relationship would work out. So I stopped. It took a year to get pregnant with my daughter. Now that she is here I can say I really don't miss dating at all. I am not sure I could fit it in. Maybe later when my daughter is bigger. I think what I really wanted from the dating was a relationship leading to a child. Now that I have her the other parts don't seem so important.
Another Choice Mom replied:
While I agree I don't miss dating (who does?), I am still very lonely. My son keeps me busy, but he doesn't take the place of a grown-up relationship. My child fills the need to have a child. I'm still a bit angry and sad that I don't have something for me in this, and with a baby, it's most likely going to be a long time, if ever, that I get there. So if you're dating to find a daddy, you probably won't miss it. But if you're dating to find a mate, that probably won't go away.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
What should I ask the doctor?
Posted on Choice Mom discussion board: "So, my question to all of you is: What did you find out that you wished you knew going in? What do I need to be asking?"
Kathy's response:
I wish I had known to ask all of these things, since each has provided me with pause at some point along the process.
1) Are you open on Saturdays and Sundays for monitoring and procedures (IUI)?
2) Who will be calling me with test results and how is this handled?
3) What sperm banks do you allow? (if ADI)
4) What is the process for ramping up? When do you consider that it is time to notch up the variables?
5) What else do you suggest to support this process? (supplements, aspirin, progesterone, yoga, acupuncture, etc.)
6) Can I exercise? What level of exercise?
7) What foods to avoid?
8) How do you handle holidays?
9) How early could you see me? (for monitoring and IUI)
What else should be on this list?
Kathy's response:
I wish I had known to ask all of these things, since each has provided me with pause at some point along the process.
1) Are you open on Saturdays and Sundays for monitoring and procedures (IUI)?
2) Who will be calling me with test results and how is this handled?
3) What sperm banks do you allow? (if ADI)
4) What is the process for ramping up? When do you consider that it is time to notch up the variables?
5) What else do you suggest to support this process? (supplements, aspirin, progesterone, yoga, acupuncture, etc.)
6) Can I exercise? What level of exercise?
7) What foods to avoid?
8) How do you handle holidays?
9) How early could you see me? (for monitoring and IUI)
What else should be on this list?
Monday, September 8, 2008
It Actually Happened
submitted by Jeanne
I am 40 years old and began this journey about 10 months ago (when I was a mere 39!). I'd always half-joked that if I didn't find Mr. Right by the time I was 30, then I'd have a child on my own. Well, 30 came and went, and I changed my deadline a few times. I figured Mr. Right had to be out there somewhere, I could wait.
Before I knew it, 40 loomed on the horizon. Yes, my grandmother had had her last two children (out of 10) at the ages of 44 and 46 - but could I take the chance it would work for me? So, at my annual physical, I mustered the courage to talk to my physician about donor insemination. She was very supportive and immediately referred me to the infertility clinic (the wait to get in could be 10 months to a year). I left feeling very nervous about the whole thing, but figured I'd have one more year to get used to the idea.
Well, only four months later, I had an appointment at the clinic. I wasn't sure I was ready, but was too scared to let the appointment go. Long story short, the process began. And three unmedicated IUI's later, I'm pregnant!
I did have time to go through changing my mind 100 times, coming up with new things to worry about, wondering if I was doing the right thing, and so on. But, now I'm pregnant.
I'm very thankful and happy mostly. But every once in awhile all those old fears creep back. Will I be okay financially? Will the child hate me for doing this without a father? And now there's some new worries. Will this baby be healthy? Will I have a miscarriage? Will I have enough support? What will certain people say when they find out??
The difference now is I seem to have more faith in things just working out somehow. I guess I finally realize the worrying is kind of pointless. Besides, all this worrying isn't good for the baby!!
I am 40 years old and began this journey about 10 months ago (when I was a mere 39!). I'd always half-joked that if I didn't find Mr. Right by the time I was 30, then I'd have a child on my own. Well, 30 came and went, and I changed my deadline a few times. I figured Mr. Right had to be out there somewhere, I could wait.
Before I knew it, 40 loomed on the horizon. Yes, my grandmother had had her last two children (out of 10) at the ages of 44 and 46 - but could I take the chance it would work for me? So, at my annual physical, I mustered the courage to talk to my physician about donor insemination. She was very supportive and immediately referred me to the infertility clinic (the wait to get in could be 10 months to a year). I left feeling very nervous about the whole thing, but figured I'd have one more year to get used to the idea.
Well, only four months later, I had an appointment at the clinic. I wasn't sure I was ready, but was too scared to let the appointment go. Long story short, the process began. And three unmedicated IUI's later, I'm pregnant!
I did have time to go through changing my mind 100 times, coming up with new things to worry about, wondering if I was doing the right thing, and so on. But, now I'm pregnant.
I'm very thankful and happy mostly. But every once in awhile all those old fears creep back. Will I be okay financially? Will the child hate me for doing this without a father? And now there's some new worries. Will this baby be healthy? Will I have a miscarriage? Will I have enough support? What will certain people say when they find out??
The difference now is I seem to have more faith in things just working out somehow. I guess I finally realize the worrying is kind of pointless. Besides, all this worrying isn't good for the baby!!
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
The BFN...
submitted by Terri
I've been 40 for a week. I've been DREADING 40 for the last three years. Almost two years ago, I had a real epiphany after hearing about a friend's home-inseminated sister and her two kids.
Terri: Two years ago
Insemination...wow, never thought of that.
Epiphany: Hey, I can do that!
How hard could it be? Between my mother and my (younger) sister, they've popped out SEVEN kids. Mom didn't go through menopause until she was in her 50s and had my youngest sister when she was 38. You could set a clock by my cycle. I've never missed a period in my life. This will be a piece of cake. After all, the only real biological difference is that instead of a penis, I get a catheter. And let's be honest...probably a step up when I think back to some of the guys I've dated :-)
The whole thing is timed down to the follicle size and they put the sperm all the way up in the uterus...a heck of a lot closer to the promised land than any penis could ever hope to get. I know they have fertility drugs but I won't need them. I'll do this as naturally as I possibly can. Okay, I probably won't get pregnant on the first shot but that's okay! I have time.
Terri: Present Day
Four unsuccessful, unmedicated IUIs, and about 4 million assorted and sundry sticks I've had to pee on later, I get my bloodwork back. My FSH has gone from 6.2 to 9.1 and I'm so close to 40 now that I can hear it mocking me. Damnit, I will be pregnant before I turn 40!
Bring on the clomid!
50 mg IUI #5 BFN
100 mg IUI #6 and #7 BFN BFN
I got BFN #7 (no way that "F" stands for "fat") in April. The month before the BIG 40 hit. But it's okay. I still have one more shot to get knocked up before I turn 40.
Not so much.
I go back to the RE for my CD3 baseline sono (or the dildo cam as a friend of mine calls it) and there are cysts on my ovaries from the clomid. Great. Bye bye BFP for my birthday.
My sense of humor has always saved me. I am very proud of the things that I've been able to chuckle my way through - however inappropriate at the time :-) But this is just flat out exhausting at every conceivable level. When you sign up to be a Choice Mom, there's already enough to mourn. Why does it have to be this hard? What's wrong with me? Why aren't I like all those other women who find partners to hold their hands and help pay for the diapers? When you toss all the pelvic exams and injections and two week waits and BFNs on top of that, it's so incredibly overwhelming. What the hell am I thinking?
I'm going to be one hell of a mother. I know this with every fiber of my being. That's what I'm thinking.
So, here I am. Now technically OVER 40 but that's okay. I'm so lucky. I've got a whole crew of incredibly supportive friends and family. They will be there for me and my family however I choose to build it. I did go to an informational session on adopting through foster care. I've always wanted to be a foster parent anyway but figured I had time to do that later. Really realizing there is another way out there to build my family took some of the pressure off.
The disappointment of not being able to conceive will take time to get past if this next attempt doesn't work. One more thing to mourn on this journey.
On the other hand, knowing that I have the power to make a kid's life a little better is incredibly humbling and definitely a bright shiny silver thread just waiting for me to grab hold.
IUI #8 will be in a month and I'm using injectibles for the first time. In my head, this is the Hail Mary pass. They say the average number of tries to get pregnant through ADI is between 6 and 8. We'll see. I think if this doesn't work, I'll probably stop trying. Maybe it's just not meant to be. Of course, I'm the one who was never going to use fertility meds...
Bring on those injectibles!
I've been 40 for a week. I've been DREADING 40 for the last three years. Almost two years ago, I had a real epiphany after hearing about a friend's home-inseminated sister and her two kids.
Terri: Two years ago
Insemination...wow, never thought of that.
Epiphany: Hey, I can do that!
How hard could it be? Between my mother and my (younger) sister, they've popped out SEVEN kids. Mom didn't go through menopause until she was in her 50s and had my youngest sister when she was 38. You could set a clock by my cycle. I've never missed a period in my life. This will be a piece of cake. After all, the only real biological difference is that instead of a penis, I get a catheter. And let's be honest...probably a step up when I think back to some of the guys I've dated :-)
The whole thing is timed down to the follicle size and they put the sperm all the way up in the uterus...a heck of a lot closer to the promised land than any penis could ever hope to get. I know they have fertility drugs but I won't need them. I'll do this as naturally as I possibly can. Okay, I probably won't get pregnant on the first shot but that's okay! I have time.
Terri: Present Day
Four unsuccessful, unmedicated IUIs, and about 4 million assorted and sundry sticks I've had to pee on later, I get my bloodwork back. My FSH has gone from 6.2 to 9.1 and I'm so close to 40 now that I can hear it mocking me. Damnit, I will be pregnant before I turn 40!
Bring on the clomid!
50 mg IUI #5 BFN
100 mg IUI #6 and #7 BFN BFN
I got BFN #7 (no way that "F" stands for "fat") in April. The month before the BIG 40 hit. But it's okay. I still have one more shot to get knocked up before I turn 40.
Not so much.
I go back to the RE for my CD3 baseline sono (or the dildo cam as a friend of mine calls it) and there are cysts on my ovaries from the clomid. Great. Bye bye BFP for my birthday.
My sense of humor has always saved me. I am very proud of the things that I've been able to chuckle my way through - however inappropriate at the time :-) But this is just flat out exhausting at every conceivable level. When you sign up to be a Choice Mom, there's already enough to mourn. Why does it have to be this hard? What's wrong with me? Why aren't I like all those other women who find partners to hold their hands and help pay for the diapers? When you toss all the pelvic exams and injections and two week waits and BFNs on top of that, it's so incredibly overwhelming. What the hell am I thinking?
I'm going to be one hell of a mother. I know this with every fiber of my being. That's what I'm thinking.
So, here I am. Now technically OVER 40 but that's okay. I'm so lucky. I've got a whole crew of incredibly supportive friends and family. They will be there for me and my family however I choose to build it. I did go to an informational session on adopting through foster care. I've always wanted to be a foster parent anyway but figured I had time to do that later. Really realizing there is another way out there to build my family took some of the pressure off.
The disappointment of not being able to conceive will take time to get past if this next attempt doesn't work. One more thing to mourn on this journey.
On the other hand, knowing that I have the power to make a kid's life a little better is incredibly humbling and definitely a bright shiny silver thread just waiting for me to grab hold.
IUI #8 will be in a month and I'm using injectibles for the first time. In my head, this is the Hail Mary pass. They say the average number of tries to get pregnant through ADI is between 6 and 8. We'll see. I think if this doesn't work, I'll probably stop trying. Maybe it's just not meant to be. Of course, I'm the one who was never going to use fertility meds...
Bring on those injectibles!
Monday, April 28, 2008
Losing, and Gaining...
From Choice-Mom-in-the-making Kathy, who gave me permission to post her comments publicly. Even though it's based in a very sad loss, her perspective is an excellent one to share with other women who are in the process of trying very hard to become a mother:
I lost a chemical pregnancy earlier this month. It was doomed from the start with very low and slowly increasing betas. The week the pregnancy symptoms kicked in, I was a wreck. I forgot to grade some tests for my students, I wasted a lot of time reading "What to expect" type books, and I got nothing accomplished on my dissertation (which is now due in less than 2 weeks). I had serious pregnancy head. I could not think straight, which if you were to know me is NOT a good thing to occur.
Well, the miscarriage devastated me for about 4 days. On the 5th day, I pulled on my big-girl panties and faced life. (Well, okay, I confess, they were still thongs, but they were my most serious red ones.)
And what a job I have done! I am clicking away on the dissertation and WILL finish to finally graduate for the final time in May (3 times is the charm, right?). I have made my lists of what to paint as I work to put my house on the market (you can't paint if you're pregnant). I have started packing my books away. I am in high gear getting things done. Imagine getting your house ready to sell with pregnancy head.
Maybe there was a good reason for the embryo to die. It told me I CAN get pregnant. It forced me to look at what's going on now and realize I could never have done these things while retching over a toilet bowl. It's helped me be okay with waiting a couple of months (long enough to stain all those doors and roundup my poison ivy).
I am sitting here tonight, working on Chapter 5 (out of 5), and thinking maybe I shouldn't start again until July ... little things like that. It's not that I am still grieving the loss -- more, I am celebrating the idea of choice. I removed the time restriction of must-do-it-now-or-never-have-a-child.
With a forced one-month wait because of the miscarriage, I'm taking some quality "me" time. And on the crux of 3 and 4 hours sleep each night (which I could not have handled pregnant), I find I am thankful, finally thankful, that my little sesame seed was not able to make it.
Maybe God or fate (whichever you believe in) had a good reason for causing things to happen as they did. It's not that I didn't want a child -- I did and still do -- it's that it was not a good time for it to all happen. I guess the panic over my late start overtook my normal calculated self.
Now I am in a forced hiatus, extending it by a month more, and thinking of another. I'll be 40 in August, and seeing as how I just ovulated naturally yesterday, gosh, I know my body is still working well. I'm hope a month won't matter when all is said and done. I also hope others out there who think about throwing in the towel for a break do so ... TTCing is very hard on us Choice Mom wannabes. The physical is not nearly as taxing as the emotional.
Take time for yourselves, ladies. And go stain a few doors while you can!
Kathy
I lost a chemical pregnancy earlier this month. It was doomed from the start with very low and slowly increasing betas. The week the pregnancy symptoms kicked in, I was a wreck. I forgot to grade some tests for my students, I wasted a lot of time reading "What to expect" type books, and I got nothing accomplished on my dissertation (which is now due in less than 2 weeks). I had serious pregnancy head. I could not think straight, which if you were to know me is NOT a good thing to occur.
Well, the miscarriage devastated me for about 4 days. On the 5th day, I pulled on my big-girl panties and faced life. (Well, okay, I confess, they were still thongs, but they were my most serious red ones.)
And what a job I have done! I am clicking away on the dissertation and WILL finish to finally graduate for the final time in May (3 times is the charm, right?). I have made my lists of what to paint as I work to put my house on the market (you can't paint if you're pregnant). I have started packing my books away. I am in high gear getting things done. Imagine getting your house ready to sell with pregnancy head.
Maybe there was a good reason for the embryo to die. It told me I CAN get pregnant. It forced me to look at what's going on now and realize I could never have done these things while retching over a toilet bowl. It's helped me be okay with waiting a couple of months (long enough to stain all those doors and roundup my poison ivy).
I am sitting here tonight, working on Chapter 5 (out of 5), and thinking maybe I shouldn't start again until July ... little things like that. It's not that I am still grieving the loss -- more, I am celebrating the idea of choice. I removed the time restriction of must-do-it-now-or-never-have-a-child.
With a forced one-month wait because of the miscarriage, I'm taking some quality "me" time. And on the crux of 3 and 4 hours sleep each night (which I could not have handled pregnant), I find I am thankful, finally thankful, that my little sesame seed was not able to make it.
Maybe God or fate (whichever you believe in) had a good reason for causing things to happen as they did. It's not that I didn't want a child -- I did and still do -- it's that it was not a good time for it to all happen. I guess the panic over my late start overtook my normal calculated self.
Now I am in a forced hiatus, extending it by a month more, and thinking of another. I'll be 40 in August, and seeing as how I just ovulated naturally yesterday, gosh, I know my body is still working well. I'm hope a month won't matter when all is said and done. I also hope others out there who think about throwing in the towel for a break do so ... TTCing is very hard on us Choice Mom wannabes. The physical is not nearly as taxing as the emotional.
Take time for yourselves, ladies. And go stain a few doors while you can!
Kathy
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
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