Creating a fatherless child, with fear and courage

submitted by Roni

With one 2ww under my belt (no pun intended), I've already started injecting myself with Puregon (follicle growth stimulant) for the next try and am once again feeling empowered with taking destiny into my own hands--in as much as I have control over it,limited though it may be.

It's been very interesting to see how each of the stages with its own unique experiences brings up so many overlapping feeling states. I realize that going from "thinking" to "trying" to "waiting"(and the time span between the latter two is only about 12-14 days) has no clearly demarcated emotional lines.

I have been more diligent about reading the Choice Mom discussion group digests every day. For a while in my "thinking" stage I would simply delete the mail without opening them because I was unable to make a decision either way and it was too painful to read some of the posts or to be involved with women who were so invested in the process
I felt I'd chickened out of.

I now find myself feeling very validated by what other women are writing, while at other times I feel a bit dismal because of others' pain and suffering and failed attempts. I don't find it to be too much of a hassle or emotional drain going through the technical aspect of the trying process. I find it much more emotionally draining vacillating between my deep desire to have a biological child only to then still feel devastated by the thought of cheating my child out of the father they should, by natural law, be entitled to.

I still struggle with my own issue of being fatherless from the age of 7-15, when my father left for another country with his new family. I try to remind myself that my child will only feel as "deprived" as I project onto him/her from my own experiences. Then I pull myself together mentally and say "right, let's get on with this."

At this stage of things I permit myself to be on auto-pilot because I've made my decision to go ahead with it and that's that. And, I muse, there must surely be women who are pregnant or new moms or older moms who feel insecure with the huge responsibility of motherhood and I assume that is par for the course. Surely no woman -- mom or mom-to-be -- has all the answers.

I try to ride these waves and tell myself "courage, courage." Every great explorer must have fought the butterflies. The excitement and even trepidation of discovery is the reward for staying the course.

When I had my first IUI last month I was slightly nervous about the procedure. After I got up from the table, I was hit by a wave of melancholy. "Will this take? What if it does? I will be a single mom with no huge financial backing and no consistent male figure to offer him/her. How am I going to handle it? Will my child blame me?"

And, of course, the fear on the other side: "What if I can't conceive? Will I be childless? Will I have the emotional werewithal to try donor egg?"

And, over the course of the 2ww feeling, how the hormones affected my body. I was pregnant 7 years ago and because of all the wrong circumstances was forced to abort, so I found myself trying to compare what it was like then to what I was feeling now.

Then waking up one morning with a clear awareness that I wasn't pregnant because my body just told me so. In a way, it was a relief to finally know and then prepare myself for the next try.

Flowing through the stages has been very fluid, with lots of ups and downs regarding the decision to go ahead with it anyway. Sometimes excited and elated, sometimes pessimistic about my chances to conceive, and/or my insecurities about being a single choice mom.

For now, within the turbulence of my emotions, unlike over the past year of "thinking", I cut myself alot more slack and tell myself I don't have to have all
the answers or know all the outcomes now.

I am just enjoying the ride and I hold tight to my faith that if it be G-d's will for me to have a child, I will do my part in enabling that to take place. The result I, leave to Him.

It Actually Happened

submitted by Jeanne

I am 40 years old and began this journey about 10 months ago (when I was a mere 39!). I'd always half-joked that if I didn't find Mr. Right by the time I was 30, then I'd have a child on my own. Well, 30 came and went, and I changed my deadline a few times. I figured Mr. Right had to be out there somewhere, I could wait.

Before I knew it, 40 loomed on the horizon. Yes, my grandmother had had her last two children (out of 10) at the ages of 44 and 46 - but could I take the chance it would work for me? So, at my annual physical, I mustered the courage to talk to my physician about donor insemination. She was very supportive and immediately referred me to the infertility clinic (the wait to get in could be 10 months to a year). I left feeling very nervous about the whole thing, but figured I'd have one more year to get used to the idea.

Well, only four months later, I had an appointment at the clinic. I wasn't sure I was ready, but was too scared to let the appointment go. Long story short, the process began. And three unmedicated IUI's later, I'm pregnant!

I did have time to go through changing my mind 100 times, coming up with new things to worry about, wondering if I was doing the right thing, and so on. But, now I'm pregnant.

I'm very thankful and happy mostly. But every once in awhile all those old fears creep back. Will I be okay financially? Will the child hate me for doing this without a father? And now there's some new worries. Will this baby be healthy? Will I have a miscarriage? Will I have enough support? What will certain people say when they find out??

The difference now is I seem to have more faith in things just working out somehow. I guess I finally realize the worrying is kind of pointless. Besides, all this worrying isn't good for the baby!!