Creating a fatherless child, with fear and courage

submitted by Roni

With one 2ww under my belt (no pun intended), I've already started injecting myself with Puregon (follicle growth stimulant) for the next try and am once again feeling empowered with taking destiny into my own hands--in as much as I have control over it,limited though it may be.

It's been very interesting to see how each of the stages with its own unique experiences brings up so many overlapping feeling states. I realize that going from "thinking" to "trying" to "waiting"(and the time span between the latter two is only about 12-14 days) has no clearly demarcated emotional lines.

I have been more diligent about reading the Choice Mom discussion group digests every day. For a while in my "thinking" stage I would simply delete the mail without opening them because I was unable to make a decision either way and it was too painful to read some of the posts or to be involved with women who were so invested in the process
I felt I'd chickened out of.

I now find myself feeling very validated by what other women are writing, while at other times I feel a bit dismal because of others' pain and suffering and failed attempts. I don't find it to be too much of a hassle or emotional drain going through the technical aspect of the trying process. I find it much more emotionally draining vacillating between my deep desire to have a biological child only to then still feel devastated by the thought of cheating my child out of the father they should, by natural law, be entitled to.

I still struggle with my own issue of being fatherless from the age of 7-15, when my father left for another country with his new family. I try to remind myself that my child will only feel as "deprived" as I project onto him/her from my own experiences. Then I pull myself together mentally and say "right, let's get on with this."

At this stage of things I permit myself to be on auto-pilot because I've made my decision to go ahead with it and that's that. And, I muse, there must surely be women who are pregnant or new moms or older moms who feel insecure with the huge responsibility of motherhood and I assume that is par for the course. Surely no woman -- mom or mom-to-be -- has all the answers.

I try to ride these waves and tell myself "courage, courage." Every great explorer must have fought the butterflies. The excitement and even trepidation of discovery is the reward for staying the course.

When I had my first IUI last month I was slightly nervous about the procedure. After I got up from the table, I was hit by a wave of melancholy. "Will this take? What if it does? I will be a single mom with no huge financial backing and no consistent male figure to offer him/her. How am I going to handle it? Will my child blame me?"

And, of course, the fear on the other side: "What if I can't conceive? Will I be childless? Will I have the emotional werewithal to try donor egg?"

And, over the course of the 2ww feeling, how the hormones affected my body. I was pregnant 7 years ago and because of all the wrong circumstances was forced to abort, so I found myself trying to compare what it was like then to what I was feeling now.

Then waking up one morning with a clear awareness that I wasn't pregnant because my body just told me so. In a way, it was a relief to finally know and then prepare myself for the next try.

Flowing through the stages has been very fluid, with lots of ups and downs regarding the decision to go ahead with it anyway. Sometimes excited and elated, sometimes pessimistic about my chances to conceive, and/or my insecurities about being a single choice mom.

For now, within the turbulence of my emotions, unlike over the past year of "thinking", I cut myself alot more slack and tell myself I don't have to have all
the answers or know all the outcomes now.

I am just enjoying the ride and I hold tight to my faith that if it be G-d's will for me to have a child, I will do my part in enabling that to take place. The result I, leave to Him.

Dating and trying to conceive

Jessica, 34, reported that after three failed insemination attempts she was also finding herself back on the dating scene. And enjoying it. With a few decent men on the horizon, she wasn't sure if/when, it was time to say "I'm also trying to conceive a baby." She wondered if she should take a break from trying while she dates -- but her doctor says she doesn't have much time left for fertility, with numbers as if she was a woman in her 40s. "It just feels so difficult and unfair to have to be in this position sometimes. I hate the fact that at 34 I am finding my fertility declining so much. If anyone has been in the same position or tried dating while trying to conceive, I would be interested in hearing your stories and how they ended up."

As Joni replied:
I dated a man a couple of years ago. Things didn't work out between us, but in the past few months he called me up and we went out a few more times. He was serious about me and about being in a relationship. I'm 39 and even though my doctor is not worried that I won't get pregnant, I am. In any event, after our 3rd date (the second time around) last week, I told him what I was doing, and that I didn't want to put things on hold with TTC because of my age. I felt like I was being unfair and not completely honest by dating him while trying to get pregnant. I think he needed a drink after I told him. But he understood completely and at the end of it we agreed to stay friends. But we won't be moving forward with the relationship. I just don't want to risk my fertility that maybe he would work out. And he doesn't want to date a woman who is trying to get pregnant without him - can't say I blame him. And neither of us are ready to have a child together. And, ultimately, I want to have a child. The relationship, for me, can wait. The baby cannot.

A new Choice Mom responded:
I decided to defer dating when I was trying. It just made me question my decision and wonder if maybe a relationship would work out. So I stopped. It took a year to get pregnant with my daughter. Now that she is here I can say I really don't miss dating at all. I am not sure I could fit it in. Maybe later when my daughter is bigger. I think what I really wanted from the dating was a relationship leading to a child. Now that I have her the other parts don't seem so important.


Another Choice Mom replied:
While I agree I don't miss dating (who does?), I am still very lonely. My son keeps me busy, but he doesn't take the place of a grown-up relationship. My child fills the need to have a child. I'm still a bit angry and sad that I don't have something for me in this, and with a baby, it's most likely going to be a long time, if ever, that I get there. So if you're dating to find a daddy, you probably won't miss it. But if you're dating to find a mate, that probably won't go away.

What should I ask the doctor?

Posted on Choice Mom discussion board: "So, my question to all of you is: What did you find out that you wished you knew going in? What do I need to be asking?"

Kathy's response:
I wish I had known to ask all of these things, since each has provided me with pause at some point along the process.
1) Are you open on Saturdays and Sundays for monitoring and procedures (IUI)?
2) Who will be calling me with test results and how is this handled?
3) What sperm banks do you allow? (if ADI)
4) What is the process for ramping up? When do you consider that it is time to notch up the variables?
5) What else do you suggest to support this process? (supplements, aspirin, progesterone, yoga, acupuncture, etc.)
6) Can I exercise? What level of exercise?
7) What foods to avoid?
8) How do you handle holidays?
9) How early could you see me? (for monitoring and IUI)

What else should be on this list?

It Actually Happened

submitted by Jeanne

I am 40 years old and began this journey about 10 months ago (when I was a mere 39!). I'd always half-joked that if I didn't find Mr. Right by the time I was 30, then I'd have a child on my own. Well, 30 came and went, and I changed my deadline a few times. I figured Mr. Right had to be out there somewhere, I could wait.

Before I knew it, 40 loomed on the horizon. Yes, my grandmother had had her last two children (out of 10) at the ages of 44 and 46 - but could I take the chance it would work for me? So, at my annual physical, I mustered the courage to talk to my physician about donor insemination. She was very supportive and immediately referred me to the infertility clinic (the wait to get in could be 10 months to a year). I left feeling very nervous about the whole thing, but figured I'd have one more year to get used to the idea.

Well, only four months later, I had an appointment at the clinic. I wasn't sure I was ready, but was too scared to let the appointment go. Long story short, the process began. And three unmedicated IUI's later, I'm pregnant!

I did have time to go through changing my mind 100 times, coming up with new things to worry about, wondering if I was doing the right thing, and so on. But, now I'm pregnant.

I'm very thankful and happy mostly. But every once in awhile all those old fears creep back. Will I be okay financially? Will the child hate me for doing this without a father? And now there's some new worries. Will this baby be healthy? Will I have a miscarriage? Will I have enough support? What will certain people say when they find out??

The difference now is I seem to have more faith in things just working out somehow. I guess I finally realize the worrying is kind of pointless. Besides, all this worrying isn't good for the baby!!

The BFN...

submitted by Terri

I've been 40 for a week. I've been DREADING 40 for the last three years. Almost two years ago, I had a real epiphany after hearing about a friend's home-inseminated sister and her two kids.

Terri: Two years ago

Insemination...wow, never thought of that.
Epiphany: Hey, I can do that!

How hard could it be? Between my mother and my (younger) sister, they've popped out SEVEN kids. Mom didn't go through menopause until she was in her 50s and had my youngest sister when she was 38. You could set a clock by my cycle. I've never missed a period in my life. This will be a piece of cake. After all, the only real biological difference is that instead of a penis, I get a catheter. And let's be honest...probably a step up when I think back to some of the guys I've dated :-)

The whole thing is timed down to the follicle size and they put the sperm all the way up in the uterus...a heck of a lot closer to the promised land than any penis could ever hope to get. I know they have fertility drugs but I won't need them. I'll do this as naturally as I possibly can. Okay, I probably won't get pregnant on the first shot but that's okay! I have time.

Terri: Present Day

Four unsuccessful, unmedicated IUIs, and about 4 million assorted and sundry sticks I've had to pee on later, I get my bloodwork back. My FSH has gone from 6.2 to 9.1 and I'm so close to 40 now that I can hear it mocking me. Damnit, I will be pregnant before I turn 40!

Bring on the clomid!

50 mg IUI #5 BFN
100 mg IUI #6 and #7 BFN BFN

I got BFN #7 (no way that "F" stands for "fat") in April. The month before the BIG 40 hit. But it's okay. I still have one more shot to get knocked up before I turn 40.

Not so much.

I go back to the RE for my CD3 baseline sono (or the dildo cam as a friend of mine calls it) and there are cysts on my ovaries from the clomid. Great. Bye bye BFP for my birthday.

My sense of humor has always saved me. I am very proud of the things that I've been able to chuckle my way through - however inappropriate at the time :-) But this is just flat out exhausting at every conceivable level. When you sign up to be a Choice Mom, there's already enough to mourn. Why does it have to be this hard? What's wrong with me? Why aren't I like all those other women who find partners to hold their hands and help pay for the diapers? When you toss all the pelvic exams and injections and two week waits and BFNs on top of that, it's so incredibly overwhelming. What the hell am I thinking?

I'm going to be one hell of a mother. I know this with every fiber of my being. That's what I'm thinking.

So, here I am. Now technically OVER 40 but that's okay. I'm so lucky. I've got a whole crew of incredibly supportive friends and family. They will be there for me and my family however I choose to build it. I did go to an informational session on adopting through foster care. I've always wanted to be a foster parent anyway but figured I had time to do that later. Really realizing there is another way out there to build my family took some of the pressure off.

The disappointment of not being able to conceive will take time to get past if this next attempt doesn't work. One more thing to mourn on this journey.

On the other hand, knowing that I have the power to make a kid's life a little better is incredibly humbling and definitely a bright shiny silver thread just waiting for me to grab hold.

IUI #8 will be in a month and I'm using injectibles for the first time. In my head, this is the Hail Mary pass. They say the average number of tries to get pregnant through ADI is between 6 and 8. We'll see. I think if this doesn't work, I'll probably stop trying. Maybe it's just not meant to be. Of course, I'm the one who was never going to use fertility meds...

Bring on those injectibles!

Losing, and Gaining...

From Choice-Mom-in-the-making Kathy, who gave me permission to post her comments publicly. Even though it's based in a very sad loss, her perspective is an excellent one to share with other women who are in the process of trying very hard to become a mother:

I lost a chemical pregnancy earlier this month. It was doomed from the start with very low and slowly increasing betas. The week the pregnancy symptoms kicked in, I was a wreck. I forgot to grade some tests for my students, I wasted a lot of time reading "What to expect" type books, and I got nothing accomplished on my dissertation (which is now due in less than 2 weeks). I had serious pregnancy head. I could not think straight, which if you were to know me is NOT a good thing to occur.

Well, the miscarriage devastated me for about 4 days. On the 5th day, I pulled on my big-girl panties and faced life. (Well, okay, I confess, they were still thongs, but they were my most serious red ones.)

And what a job I have done! I am clicking away on the dissertation and WILL finish to finally graduate for the final time in May (3 times is the charm, right?). I have made my lists of what to paint as I work to put my house on the market (you can't paint if you're pregnant). I have started packing my books away. I am in high gear getting things done. Imagine getting your house ready to sell with pregnancy head.

Maybe there was a good reason for the embryo to die. It told me I CAN get pregnant. It forced me to look at what's going on now and realize I could never have done these things while retching over a toilet bowl. It's helped me be okay with waiting a couple of months (long enough to stain all those doors and roundup my poison ivy).

I am sitting here tonight, working on Chapter 5 (out of 5), and thinking maybe I shouldn't start again until July ... little things like that. It's not that I am still grieving the loss -- more, I am celebrating the idea of choice. I removed the time restriction of must-do-it-now-or-never-have-a-child.

With a forced one-month wait because of the miscarriage, I'm taking some quality "me" time. And on the crux of 3 and 4 hours sleep each night (which I could not have handled pregnant), I find I am thankful, finally thankful, that my little sesame seed was not able to make it.

Maybe God or fate (whichever you believe in) had a good reason for causing things to happen as they did. It's not that I didn't want a child -- I did and still do -- it's that it was not a good time for it to all happen. I guess the panic over my late start overtook my normal calculated self.

Now I am in a forced hiatus, extending it by a month more, and thinking of another. I'll be 40 in August, and seeing as how I just ovulated naturally yesterday, gosh, I know my body is still working well. I'm hope a month won't matter when all is said and done. I also hope others out there who think about throwing in the towel for a break do so ... TTCing is very hard on us Choice Mom wannabes. The physical is not nearly as taxing as the emotional.

Take time for yourselves, ladies. And go stain a few doors while you can!
Kathy

To Come:

If you decide to become a Choice Mom, the questions get even more detailed.