submitted by Terri
I've been 40 for a week. I've been DREADING 40 for the last three years. Almost two years ago, I had a real epiphany after hearing about a friend's home-inseminated sister and her two kids.
Terri: Two years ago
Insemination...wow, never thought of that.
Epiphany: Hey, I can do that!
How hard could it be? Between my mother and my (younger) sister, they've popped out SEVEN kids. Mom didn't go through menopause until she was in her 50s and had my youngest sister when she was 38. You could set a clock by my cycle. I've never missed a period in my life. This will be a piece of cake. After all, the only real biological difference is that instead of a penis, I get a catheter. And let's be honest...probably a step up when I think back to some of the guys I've dated :-)
The whole thing is timed down to the follicle size and they put the sperm all the way up in the uterus...a heck of a lot closer to the promised land than any penis could ever hope to get. I know they have fertility drugs but I won't need them. I'll do this as naturally as I possibly can. Okay, I probably won't get pregnant on the first shot but that's okay! I have time.
Terri: Present Day
Four unsuccessful, unmedicated IUIs, and about 4 million assorted and sundry sticks I've had to pee on later, I get my bloodwork back. My FSH has gone from 6.2 to 9.1 and I'm so close to 40 now that I can hear it mocking me. Damnit, I will be pregnant before I turn 40!
Bring on the clomid!
50 mg IUI #5 BFN
100 mg IUI #6 and #7 BFN BFN
I got BFN #7 (no way that "F" stands for "fat") in April. The month before the BIG 40 hit. But it's okay. I still have one more shot to get knocked up before I turn 40.
Not so much.
I go back to the RE for my CD3 baseline sono (or the dildo cam as a friend of mine calls it) and there are cysts on my ovaries from the clomid. Great. Bye bye BFP for my birthday.
My sense of humor has always saved me. I am very proud of the things that I've been able to chuckle my way through - however inappropriate at the time :-) But this is just flat out exhausting at every conceivable level. When you sign up to be a Choice Mom, there's already enough to mourn. Why does it have to be this hard? What's wrong with me? Why aren't I like all those other women who find partners to hold their hands and help pay for the diapers? When you toss all the pelvic exams and injections and two week waits and BFNs on top of that, it's so incredibly overwhelming. What the hell am I thinking?
I'm going to be one hell of a mother. I know this with every fiber of my being. That's what I'm thinking.
So, here I am. Now technically OVER 40 but that's okay. I'm so lucky. I've got a whole crew of incredibly supportive friends and family. They will be there for me and my family however I choose to build it. I did go to an informational session on adopting through foster care. I've always wanted to be a foster parent anyway but figured I had time to do that later. Really realizing there is another way out there to build my family took some of the pressure off.
The disappointment of not being able to conceive will take time to get past if this next attempt doesn't work. One more thing to mourn on this journey.
On the other hand, knowing that I have the power to make a kid's life a little better is incredibly humbling and definitely a bright shiny silver thread just waiting for me to grab hold.
IUI #8 will be in a month and I'm using injectibles for the first time. In my head, this is the Hail Mary pass. They say the average number of tries to get pregnant through ADI is between 6 and 8. We'll see. I think if this doesn't work, I'll probably stop trying. Maybe it's just not meant to be. Of course, I'm the one who was never going to use fertility meds...
Bring on those injectibles!
Heading into 40
8 years ago
8 comments:
Your post is very helpful to me - sounds like mine might be down the road. I am 41, just finished unsuccessful IUI #1 with Clomid. After only one try, I am moving straight to injectibles and IUI with donor sperm. And after only one try, I already feel like this is all a big roller coaster. I'm doing the same thing - considering the various ways to adopt or foster with the same "silver thread" thoughts. But I'm not ready to give up yet. Good luck with those injectibles!!!
I'm so glad this helped and thanks for the good wishes! I go in for insem #8 tomorrow or Friday. I'll keep everyone posted!
I'm 40 and have been trying for a couple of years. Like you, I thought at 38: no problem. Getting pregnant will be the easy part. After 3 unmedicated IUI's I thought: well, I'll try medicated IUI but no IVF for me. After clomid then injectibles (9 IUI's total) I'm in the midst of my first IVF cycle. This is likely it (because I can't afford more and I don't want to keep pumping myself up with hormones). My transfer is tomorrow so I should have my answer in a couple of weeks (it's so strange to feel like the course of my future is hanging on this precise moment in time). I hope I've gotten to the point where I can let go of the idea of biological children. I know I'm ready to move forward, either way.
Thanks for your post...it always helps to know you're not alone! I just did my first cycle with injectibles and had my IUI this past Friday. I can't go to IVF because I just can't afford it. At this point, I think that if I could afford it, I would go the IVF route. That said, I really think this is going to be my last shot at a biological child. If this doesn't work, I'm going to give myself some time mourn, then start building my family through fostering to adoption. When I think about it, creating my own family is a bigger priority than how I get there. Of course, it's taken me several months of BFNs to get there and who knows how upset I'll be if this one doesn't work. Please hang in there and feel free to email me directly if you ever want to chat! Lots and lots of sticky baby dust! Terri
Good luck to all of us ladies. I'm hoping to start IUI 1 later this month. Planning to accept any drug support they offer - although my initial plan was to go as natural as possible. Funny how your priorities change on this journey isn't it? Stay strong sisters fingers crossed for good news. MissB (UK based)
Just wanted to let everyone know that I got my BFP! Thanks for all the support and hang in there! Sticky baby dust to all!!
Congrats Terri! Lucky number 8!! Sending you all kinds of sticky baby dust.
For the rest of you out there, hang in there. Yes, TTC is a horrible roller coaster, but it kind of begins to prepare you for the future roller coasters of pregnancy and parenting and the end result is so worth it!
Terry and all - Poster #3 here again. I turned 41 this month. Last July, I did my first IVF cycle and got very good response for my age. Put 2 embryos in (the Dr. couldn't talk me into 3 as I was petrified of multiples). BFN. One more embryo for the freezer. I have tried to be realistic about the chances of one frozen embryo leading to a successful pregnancy, and honestly I think I've spent the last several months assuming nothing would come of it. For travel-related reasons, I delayed the frozen cycle til this month. I am looking at my first positive HPT ever. I can't believe it. Despite almost 3 years of trying, and a LOT more milestones to get through for a successful pregnancy, I feel so lucky.
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