Are you jealous?

It's hard to see pregnant women around us, especially during the holiday season, especially if we've been trying to conceive for awhile.

One woman posted about her emotions at this time, on the Choice Mom discussion board, and here's the response of 46-year-old Morgan, mother of twins who is trying to add one more child to their family:

Your feelings are so normal and you're very much where I was at some years ago. I have an older sister who had three children and around the time I was thinking about becoming a choice mom, she got PG with twins - her 4th and 5th children. When I heard her news, I was twisted up with jealousy. It seemed so unfair that she was onto the 4th and 5th children, and was only 17 months older than me, but married for 17 yrs by then. By contrast, I was 4 yrs out of my last long-term relationship and desperate for a baby.

I felt sick and ill when she told me. At this time in my life, it seemed as if everywhere I looked, every woman I saw was PG or had children and none seemed to appreciate their children properly. My sister had a stay-at-home husband (she has a high flying career) and a nanny and parents-in-law and went back to work 2 days after she gave birth to her twins. She didn't seem to me to want them as much as I might have wanted children, and her husband hadn't wanted them at all.

It's a horrible feeling to be riven with jealousy. Focusing on wanting what another has can make you stagnate in those feelings of bitterness.

I chose instead to focus on what I could do for myself. And three years down the line, I ended up having my own twins, the day before I turned 38.

Set your sights on your own dream and pursue that goal as much as you can. I still have times when I feel jealous of other families where there's a partner, grandparents, and au pair supporting the family and I'm doing this completely on my own.

But then I see what happened to my sister's family....two years after she gave birth to her twins, she went through an acrimonious divorce. Her husband has refused further contact with the three older children and rarely sees the twins - now 11 - except when it's with the twins of his housekeeper/lover at the same time.

There's much I haven't got, but at least there's so much I HAVE, and my sons will never be torn apart by parents in conflict, which was both my own experience as a child and the experience of my sister's five children.

I don't think there will be a woman on this forum who hasn't felt that jealousy at a very visceral level. But my experience is that you can use the energy locked into that feeling to power your own journey towards your goal.

What about you? How have you channeled negative emotions into something positive?

When friends piss you off because of this choice

A woman wrote recently about the unfortunate comments of a close friend of hers, after announcing that she was on the Choice Mom path. Many women responded by letting her know that the "toxic" ones need to be let go of when we're on the journey, because we need to focus our energies with the positive people in our community, not the ones who are focused on their own issues.

This response from Morgan was a good one, useful for anyone who deals with the community acceptance issue.

I found that when I became pregnant, all kinds of unexpected things happened in my friends and family. I think it can be hugely provocative to many people, that we become Choice Moms.

My two closest female friends, who lived nearby and who'd originally agreed to be my birth partners and hands-on support, suddenly did a big rejection of me and my choice when I was 19 weeks PG. This was totally unexpected to me. On the other hand, my parents -- 'conservative, traditionalists' -- were incredibly positive about my choice, also unexpectedly. My sister was the person who suggested becoming a Choice Mom to me in the first place. My brother, the family member to whom I'd always been closest all my life, reacted weirdly and withdrew.

What I'm getting at is that you never know what kind of response you'll get from anyone until that time comes. I imagine your friend has all kinds of unresolved issues herself perhaps about being an autonomous women, without a life partner (Is she scared of that? Does she crave this? Is she jealous of your strength?), about having a baby (Is she worried it'll take you away from her when the focus becomes your child? Does she want - and not have - a child of her own?) Who knows what's going on for her but at least something is clearer now for you with her, given her reaction. Can you trust her to be the kind of friend you want and need at a time like this?

Our types of friendship may change radically when we become Choice Moms. Sources of support may come from unexpected places, as may rejection/ abandonment/ negativity.

Is she the kind of friend you can have a 'heart-to'heart with over this and she'll really listen and take heed? Is the friendship worth you being authentic and honest with her about how you feel at her reaction? Is this a warning that you may need to look elsewhere for friends when you're a mom?

My two friends completely rejected me and have never come back into my life, and so have missed out on my beautiful twin sons, and on me. My brother is very peripheral to our lives. Though both my parents are now dead, their support for me becoming a Choice Mom still gives me strength inside. In fact, one of the last things my mom ever said to me was that she was glad I'd had my babies.

Before children, people's flippant attitudes and minor unkindnesses mattered less to me than they do now that I'm a mom. Now there are three of us here to be affected, and two of those are my vulnerable little children who I refuse to expose to people who aren't 100 percent good for me and for them.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Tips for at-home insemination

Anna posted this to the Choice Mom board and I thought it was well worth sharing here, in response to a woman who is trying to conceive with at-home insemination using a known donor.


Has your partner been checked? It takes two to tango as they say, so if he hasn't already he might want to get his sperm count, morphology checked. Also check your blood types to make sure you are compatible and do a check to make sure you don't have "hostile cervical mucous"...that phrase just makes me giggle every time...

If you are worried about your lining but trying to get pregnant the "old fashioned way" you should get it checked via ultrasound around the time before you would normally have your surge. They can also monitor your follicle growth. I also recommend keeping a journal, doing basal temperature charting and ovulation predictor kits, understanding the signs your body gives when you are at certain points in your cycle, and generally getting to know yourself better in terms of your cycles. [NOTE from Mikki: ChoiceMoms.org has some good articles and podcasts about this subject.]

For getting a nice thick happy lining, try getting acupuncture and Mayan abdominal massage (only in the first half of your cycle for the massage) and drink three cups of raspberry leaf tea a day (put it in a cup, pour BOILING water over it, then cover it and let it steep for at least 10 minutes). I did raspberry leaf tea one cycle and my lining added an extra 3cm. Also, it is very important to stay hydrated...cut out caffiene, sugar, table salt, alcohol, drink plenty of water, etc.

There are a ton of factors that go into getting your body ready for accepting that burrowing embryo.

Meditation, yoga, visualization, relaxation exercises, acupressure, chiropractic adjustment, massage, acupuncture, and herbal supplements can all help to improve relaxation and hormone balance and increase blood flow to your vital bits.

Lastly, remember that in the "normal" coupled universe, docs don't generally think there is a "problem" unless you've been trying for over a year with no success. So five months is still early, and you've got an advantage having a [safe] fresh sperm partner over those of us who have to use spermcicles.

I hope my rambling advice helps. Seeing an RE might help and also find a good acupuncturist without a doubt! It's made a huge difference for me in terms of my mental clarity and stress levels, and that has to be good for future baby.

[NOTE: See also radio show #3, via ChoiceMoms.org, about fertility enhancement tips, from specialists in yoga, acupuncture, massage and nutrition.]

Finding the light at the end of the tunnel

submitted by Barb, who responded to a woman on the Choice Mom discussion board who was feeling stressed about the challenges of fertility

I completely understand how you're feeling. I was there myself once. It is really so much a part of the process. You're reeling with a lot of different emotions, some of which you don't even know are there until something unexpected happens. I am currently in the process of trying to have a second child and every little speed bump or unexpected test result instantly shoots my emotions to the surface... and I remember how hard this was the first time.

It is a process you have to get used to. I know that probably isn't much help, but it's true. You really can't live your life expecting the unexpected or expecting things NOT to work, but you do have to start setting your life up to cope with the occasional setbacks and speed bumps. Even if all that means is that you should find a support person or someone you can vent to when things don't go as expected.

I vividly remember calling my friend Rhonda from the parking lot of a pharmacy after they didn't have my prescription for progesterone suppositories and they sent me to another pharmacy two miles away. The other pharmacy DID have what I needed, and it turned out to be no big deal. But in that moment, full of hormones and overwhelmed with the emotions of what I was undertaking, it felt like some giant sign from God. Why can't this be easy? Maybe I shouldn't be doing this. Maybe I'll never be a mother. My friend Rhonda just listened and reminded me that things were worse because of the hormones, and she didn't over-react when I barked at her insensitively.

And that moment passed. That drama passed. That day of fear and anxiety passed.

But there were many, many more of them on my journey to becoming a mother. Poor fertility test results. Insensitive doctors. Young, married friends who had oops pregnancies. Scheduling problems at a clinic. Panic over sperm delivery. The entire process was a series of dramas and emotional challenges.

But I learned how to cope with them. With each new drama that I survived I learned to stay calm, learned to wait to see what I was dealing with, learned how to keep my brain from spiraling off into my-god-what-am-i-doing-will-i-never-be-a-mother land.

And in the end it all worked out. I wouldn't change it for anything in the world. The process I went through to become a mother was good for me. It made me a better parent than I might have otherwise been. And it helped me learn that some things you just can't control... a big thing you will rediscover over and over and over again when you are a mother.

And you will be a mother if you really want it.

Your test results may not be great. But people with perfect test results can try for years and never get pregnant, and lots of women have bad results and end up pregnant right away. Medical science can do so much, and there are drugs and shots and procedures to help tackle so many fertility hurdles. The important thing is that you've made the decision to start this journey. That's a big commitment. It's scary. And it will be challenging. Over and over and over again. But you'll look back on this later and be so glad that you had the courage to try.

questions for my doctor

submitted by Becky

I'm finally ready to meet with a Reproductive Endocrinologist, a week from today. I'm more nervous about this consult than I was visiting my OB last winter for the Clomid challenge and preconception screenings.

I've started a list of questions for the appointment, which may be too many or too few. For those of you who who have been through their first consultation, please let me know if I'm missing anything important:

1. Which is more appropriate for my situation - IUI or ICI?
2. Do you perform the insemination yourself?
3. How many vials per cycle should I order?
4. Does my donor need to be CMV neg?
5. Do I need to avoid certain blood types?
6. Will you work with my particular sperm bank? [editor's note: you should dictate choice of sperm bank, not the doctor]
7. How do you test sperm quality? Will you negotiate with the bank if the quality is sub-par?
8. How many treatment sessions should I anticipate, given my fertility "age"?
9. How many sessions of the suggested treatment do you recommend before moving on to more aggressive treatment options? What is our plan?
10. Will I be asked to see other doctors/staff members, or will the specialist I chose be the primary doctor?
11. If I ovulate during weekends and holidays, are you open?

That's all I could think of at the moment. Please send me any suggestions you have.

Foster care adoption

this great post was offered on the Choice Mom discussion board by Mary, and I'm reprinting it here.

I am in the process in finalizing a foster-adoption. It has been an awesome experience and I am willing to talk to anyone about it. I am constantly amazed at how little is known about foster-adoption. There is a lot of misinformation out there and its sad because there are so many great kids who need a home.

The thing about foster-adoption is that the rules vary by state. Luckily I live in CA and there is no discrimination. I know that is not the case in other states. In International adoption, that certainly is not the case. Countries can exclude whoever they want from the process. I was told that I probably would not get a young child, it simply was not common for single adopters. I was fine with that. Imagine my surprise when I met my son. He was a little less than 1 year at our first meeting, and he was 15 months when he came to live with me forever.

I found that many things in the foster/adoption process are up to you and the effort you are willing to put in. The paper work can be daunting but how long it takes is more or less up to you. You do have to get finger printed and a background check and the time that takes will vary. I did that first, so by the time I finished the rest of my paperwork the results were back. It took me a year to finish the paperwork, but it could have taken a lot less if I had pushed it. When you pick an agency to go through ask how long it will take to finish your homestudy once your paperwork is done. My agency got my homestudy done in less than a month.

It did not cost me anything. $$ was one of the main reasons I ended up even looking at foster-adoption, I simply could not afford the $30,000 for international or domestic private adoption. I wanted to be able to stay home for a few weeks/months with my child and not have to worry about $$. As it turned out, I actually get foster care payments for my son and once the adoption is final I will be eligible for adoption assistance. I did not even know that when I started the process. I would survive without the $$ but I was able to use it to afford a fantastic pre-school for my son that would have otherwise been too expensive.

You can get an newborn through foster-adoption, at least in CA. I won't go into all of the details but its riskier. In general, there is a greater risk of reunification with the birth-parents or another family member. It is possible (even for single mothers) and I do know people who have gone this route. I decided it was not the correct path for me, but it might be for others.

One of other differences between foster-adoption and International or private domestic adoption is that you will be checked up on. Until the adoption is finalized, you are a foster parent and you will be visited by social workers. My social worker visits with me twice a month and my son's social worker (from the county) sees him once a month. When I was on leave, the visits were really great. It was nice just to see another adult sometimes who really understood what I was going through.

Now that I am working full-time, it's more difficult to fit these visits into our schedule. Luckily my social worker is really flexible. The county social worker often visits my son at pre-school. So we have made it work. In addition to the social workers, there are the various therapists that my son sees. Most of these visits have stopped. He made so much progress once he came to live with me, that we were able to end a lot of the services he was receiving. People have told me this is common. Having a forever home makes a huge difference in a child's development. The one therapist he still sees visits him at preschool. Even that therapy will probably end by his second birthday.

I cannot say enough good things about the foster-adoption process.

IVF or bust??

After a Choice Mom-in-the-making wrote to the discussion board about her fifth unsuccessful attempt at IUI, and her inability to pay for the more expensive IVF cycle, women chimed in with supportive words and resources, which we are collecting for the ChoiceMoms.org website.

Here was one strong post of encouragement, reprinted here by permission:

I am so sorry that you are having to see a stupid BFN!!! I hope you will be comforted a little by knowing that you are not alone. Be gentle to yourself, cry all you want, scream if you have to, chuck a sickie at work, and feel free to gorge yourself on chocolate or have a nice big BFNtini.

As far as IVF goes, don't give up hope. If my IUIs don't work (I get six tries with insurance) then I will be in the same boat as you and I've been looking into ways to make it cheaper.

Here are a few suggestions. While not simple or fast answers, they might help you find a way to reduce the cost.

1. Check out the Fertile Dreams website. They give out an annual grant for folks who could otherwise not afford IVF. There are a few other groups like this out there, and many of them seem very couple-focused, but Fertile Dreams is one I contacted and they were really cool about me being single. If your story is compelling and you show that you can provide a great home, you may well be a contender.

2. Look into international IVF. There are several countries that offer IVF for near 1/3 the cost of what it is in the U.S. Shop around and check with folks about the reputation of each place.

3. How about a fundraiser? I know several people who did adoption fundraisers. Why not an IVF fundraiser? If you have a strong community of supporters (church, clubs, family, friends) and rally them to your cause, you could do one of those candy sales or a car wash or rummage sale and make a few thousand that way. There are some organizations out there for this sort of thing too, that help you by providing a non-profit type status so that people who donate to the fundraiser can also get a tax deduction for it.

4. Depending on your age, some IVF clinics will reduce the cost of IVF if you agree to be an egg donor for another couple. Also, I know several people who "haggled" with their IVF clinic and shopped around. These clinics are making profit on their treatments and there is certainly room for them to bring their prices down. I'm a HORRIBLE haggler so this doesn't appeal, but my brother is a haggling genius (I call it the Jedi Mind Trick) so if it ever comes to IVF for me, I'm going to have him haggle for me.

5. Consider doing another IUI with more aggressive fertility meds. When we are older, a lot of the eggos can't get us preggo. If you are willing to agree to a selective reduction, some docs might allow you to do an IUI with greater stimulation.

Editor's note: Choice Mom friend Reproductive Science Center of the Bay Area is one place that is offering a 25 percent discount in 2009 to celebrate its 25th anniversary.

How I went from Thinker to Tryer

Hi, I’m Beth. I'm 30 (and racing toward 31), Caucasian, and somewhat overweight. I am close to most of my big, boisterous family. My mom raised me and my three siblings on her own for much of my life. I live with my sister and nephew, and our two cats. I have a BA in Political Science, an MA in Liberal Studies: Leadership, and I'm working on an AS in Graphic Design. I work full-time as an academic advisor and administrator at the local public university (with 53K students and counting), and I freelance for fun as a graphic designer. I attend a Unitarian Universalist Congregation, and enjoy reading and bike riding in my free time. I live in Florida, but hope to live someplace with seasons later in life. I’m actively trying to become a Choice Mom, here’s my story:

The closer I came to 30, the further I fell into a funk. I like men, I date them, but I haven't found one that I wanted to be with forever and always, and that's what I want out of marriage.

I'm not all that bothered by being single. I like my independence and don't miss the companionship as much as many of my girlfriends do. That's not to say that I don't wish the perfect guy had fallen into my lap and swept me off my overly realistic feet. To be honest, I'm not a romantic, and I'm not even sure I know exactly what it would take to be ready to spend one's life with another person. HOWEVER, I have always known that I wanted to be a mother, hence the deepening funk.

So, I looked around at my little world, and then at the bigger world beyond it, and realized that there are many paths to my goal, despite the cultural story I grew up with.

My aha moment happened one weekend while I was watching TLC just for a ‘good cry.’ I was sad because apparently the condom didn't break and I wasn't pregnant, just another of my famously late periods. I was watching an episode of 'A Baby Story.' (You may have seen it, girl decides to go it on her own, but magically a guy appears in her life and agrees to be the donor and then they get married and live happily ever after?)

Well, setting aside the happily ever after part, I decided that she'd had a fantastic idea! So once I got over the initial shock of 'What will people think?’ I started doing my research.

After this epiphany I made some appointments with my OB, and got on the waiting list for the fertility clinic nearest my home. I intended to get the information and hold onto it for a few years while I saved up a college fund and bought a home, but I didn't get great news. I didn't get awful news, but it was a little surprising to be having problems at 30. After all 40 is the new 30, right?

I was diagnosed with PCOS and borderline insulin resistance. I realize that it could be exactly the same situation in 5 years, or even 10, but it could also progress and make pregnancy very hard to accomplish. So I decided that 'why not now?' was the attitude I needed. And what I found out when I asked, "Why not now?" was that what I really wanted more than anything else right now was to start my journey to motherhood. I have a masters degree, and a stable job, and enough money, and savings, and a good home, and loving family... now is actually a great time.

Fast forward to today. We've learned that I ovulate ever so slowly, but at least I still do. Clomid doesn't work so well, so I am doing stim injections to speed things up a bit and to increase my odds. I will have my third IUI on Thursday, and as always I’m so hopeful and excited.

I'm also open to adoption if this path doesn't lead to pregnancy. I had a child when I was 15, young, stupid, and looking for attention. I entrusted his upbringing to two amazing wonderful people who have given him much more than I could have... so yeah, I'd be happy to be that loving parent for another child. But, I’d really like to experience a happy, welcome pregnancy, and there is just something that seems so unfair about the idea that I might not be able to have children now that I'm ready. There have been bumps in the road, but I believe in my heart I'll get there.

So that's my story.
What's yours?

Hope: the four-letter H word

Just prior to the holidays, a little girl who tends to like to dance in front of the sanctuary whenever our music plays, did a dance that made many of us weep. My favorite Unitarian Universalist minister, Kate Tucker, then got up, still teary, to deliver her sermon about Hope: The four-letter H word.

She talked about people in a conversation circle with her who described their own visions of hope. The person who said we get energy from hope. The homeless man who teaches people trying to finish their high school education. A woman who found hope through infertility to adoption.

Kate said that hope is about reaching out to find the help we need in order to make things happen. Because being without hope -- hopelessness -- is stuckness.

When we reach out for it, hope becomes our partner. We have the choice to sit and hope for something to happen. Or, with hope as our helpmate, we can proactively do a huge amount of work to propel us forward.

With hope, she said, it is not that we are then able to find something/someone who lines up with our pre-selected requirements. But that we are then able to recognize and be released into our own power.

Kate said that hope:

• sees what is possible when others do not;
• can imagine a way out, a way in, another way;
• is active waiting;
• does not yield;
• is the moving current that carries us forward;
• has the power to heal;
• is living in a world where everything -- frozen grass, snow scrapers, warm bed, coffee -- is holy.

I had only an eyeliner pencil in my purse, and used it in place of a pen to scribble down phrases as fast as I could.

Since then, I have seen the power of hope in so many ways. And how dejected and stuck we are without it. I have also seen that it is not an external power that chooses us. It is us who choose it.

In the Trying stage, there are naturally times of fear and hopelessness and despair and impatience. But always around us, available when we want to grab for it, is the comforting, energizing cloak of Hope, the healing, holy four-letter word that can help us realize the dreams that WE set in motion.