Friday, November 14, 2008

Dating and trying to conceive

Jessica, 34, reported that after three failed insemination attempts she was also finding herself back on the dating scene. And enjoying it. With a few decent men on the horizon, she wasn't sure if/when, it was time to say "I'm also trying to conceive a baby." She wondered if she should take a break from trying while she dates -- but her doctor says she doesn't have much time left for fertility, with numbers as if she was a woman in her 40s. "It just feels so difficult and unfair to have to be in this position sometimes. I hate the fact that at 34 I am finding my fertility declining so much. If anyone has been in the same position or tried dating while trying to conceive, I would be interested in hearing your stories and how they ended up."

As Joni replied:
I dated a man a couple of years ago. Things didn't work out between us, but in the past few months he called me up and we went out a few more times. He was serious about me and about being in a relationship. I'm 39 and even though my doctor is not worried that I won't get pregnant, I am. In any event, after our 3rd date (the second time around) last week, I told him what I was doing, and that I didn't want to put things on hold with TTC because of my age. I felt like I was being unfair and not completely honest by dating him while trying to get pregnant. I think he needed a drink after I told him. But he understood completely and at the end of it we agreed to stay friends. But we won't be moving forward with the relationship. I just don't want to risk my fertility that maybe he would work out. And he doesn't want to date a woman who is trying to get pregnant without him - can't say I blame him. And neither of us are ready to have a child together. And, ultimately, I want to have a child. The relationship, for me, can wait. The baby cannot.

A new Choice Mom responded:
I decided to defer dating when I was trying. It just made me question my decision and wonder if maybe a relationship would work out. So I stopped. It took a year to get pregnant with my daughter. Now that she is here I can say I really don't miss dating at all. I am not sure I could fit it in. Maybe later when my daughter is bigger. I think what I really wanted from the dating was a relationship leading to a child. Now that I have her the other parts don't seem so important.


Another Choice Mom replied:
While I agree I don't miss dating (who does?), I am still very lonely. My son keeps me busy, but he doesn't take the place of a grown-up relationship. My child fills the need to have a child. I'm still a bit angry and sad that I don't have something for me in this, and with a baby, it's most likely going to be a long time, if ever, that I get there. So if you're dating to find a daddy, you probably won't miss it. But if you're dating to find a mate, that probably won't go away.

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