What should I ask the doctor?

Posted on Choice Mom discussion board: "So, my question to all of you is: What did you find out that you wished you knew going in? What do I need to be asking?"

Kathy's response:
I wish I had known to ask all of these things, since each has provided me with pause at some point along the process.
1) Are you open on Saturdays and Sundays for monitoring and procedures (IUI)?
2) Who will be calling me with test results and how is this handled?
3) What sperm banks do you allow? (if ADI)
4) What is the process for ramping up? When do you consider that it is time to notch up the variables?
5) What else do you suggest to support this process? (supplements, aspirin, progesterone, yoga, acupuncture, etc.)
6) Can I exercise? What level of exercise?
7) What foods to avoid?
8) How do you handle holidays?
9) How early could you see me? (for monitoring and IUI)

What else should be on this list?

It Actually Happened

submitted by Jeanne

I am 40 years old and began this journey about 10 months ago (when I was a mere 39!). I'd always half-joked that if I didn't find Mr. Right by the time I was 30, then I'd have a child on my own. Well, 30 came and went, and I changed my deadline a few times. I figured Mr. Right had to be out there somewhere, I could wait.

Before I knew it, 40 loomed on the horizon. Yes, my grandmother had had her last two children (out of 10) at the ages of 44 and 46 - but could I take the chance it would work for me? So, at my annual physical, I mustered the courage to talk to my physician about donor insemination. She was very supportive and immediately referred me to the infertility clinic (the wait to get in could be 10 months to a year). I left feeling very nervous about the whole thing, but figured I'd have one more year to get used to the idea.

Well, only four months later, I had an appointment at the clinic. I wasn't sure I was ready, but was too scared to let the appointment go. Long story short, the process began. And three unmedicated IUI's later, I'm pregnant!

I did have time to go through changing my mind 100 times, coming up with new things to worry about, wondering if I was doing the right thing, and so on. But, now I'm pregnant.

I'm very thankful and happy mostly. But every once in awhile all those old fears creep back. Will I be okay financially? Will the child hate me for doing this without a father? And now there's some new worries. Will this baby be healthy? Will I have a miscarriage? Will I have enough support? What will certain people say when they find out??

The difference now is I seem to have more faith in things just working out somehow. I guess I finally realize the worrying is kind of pointless. Besides, all this worrying isn't good for the baby!!

The BFN...

submitted by Terri

I've been 40 for a week. I've been DREADING 40 for the last three years. Almost two years ago, I had a real epiphany after hearing about a friend's home-inseminated sister and her two kids.

Terri: Two years ago

Insemination...wow, never thought of that.
Epiphany: Hey, I can do that!

How hard could it be? Between my mother and my (younger) sister, they've popped out SEVEN kids. Mom didn't go through menopause until she was in her 50s and had my youngest sister when she was 38. You could set a clock by my cycle. I've never missed a period in my life. This will be a piece of cake. After all, the only real biological difference is that instead of a penis, I get a catheter. And let's be honest...probably a step up when I think back to some of the guys I've dated :-)

The whole thing is timed down to the follicle size and they put the sperm all the way up in the uterus...a heck of a lot closer to the promised land than any penis could ever hope to get. I know they have fertility drugs but I won't need them. I'll do this as naturally as I possibly can. Okay, I probably won't get pregnant on the first shot but that's okay! I have time.

Terri: Present Day

Four unsuccessful, unmedicated IUIs, and about 4 million assorted and sundry sticks I've had to pee on later, I get my bloodwork back. My FSH has gone from 6.2 to 9.1 and I'm so close to 40 now that I can hear it mocking me. Damnit, I will be pregnant before I turn 40!

Bring on the clomid!

50 mg IUI #5 BFN
100 mg IUI #6 and #7 BFN BFN

I got BFN #7 (no way that "F" stands for "fat") in April. The month before the BIG 40 hit. But it's okay. I still have one more shot to get knocked up before I turn 40.

Not so much.

I go back to the RE for my CD3 baseline sono (or the dildo cam as a friend of mine calls it) and there are cysts on my ovaries from the clomid. Great. Bye bye BFP for my birthday.

My sense of humor has always saved me. I am very proud of the things that I've been able to chuckle my way through - however inappropriate at the time :-) But this is just flat out exhausting at every conceivable level. When you sign up to be a Choice Mom, there's already enough to mourn. Why does it have to be this hard? What's wrong with me? Why aren't I like all those other women who find partners to hold their hands and help pay for the diapers? When you toss all the pelvic exams and injections and two week waits and BFNs on top of that, it's so incredibly overwhelming. What the hell am I thinking?

I'm going to be one hell of a mother. I know this with every fiber of my being. That's what I'm thinking.

So, here I am. Now technically OVER 40 but that's okay. I'm so lucky. I've got a whole crew of incredibly supportive friends and family. They will be there for me and my family however I choose to build it. I did go to an informational session on adopting through foster care. I've always wanted to be a foster parent anyway but figured I had time to do that later. Really realizing there is another way out there to build my family took some of the pressure off.

The disappointment of not being able to conceive will take time to get past if this next attempt doesn't work. One more thing to mourn on this journey.

On the other hand, knowing that I have the power to make a kid's life a little better is incredibly humbling and definitely a bright shiny silver thread just waiting for me to grab hold.

IUI #8 will be in a month and I'm using injectibles for the first time. In my head, this is the Hail Mary pass. They say the average number of tries to get pregnant through ADI is between 6 and 8. We'll see. I think if this doesn't work, I'll probably stop trying. Maybe it's just not meant to be. Of course, I'm the one who was never going to use fertility meds...

Bring on those injectibles!

Losing, and Gaining...

From Choice-Mom-in-the-making Kathy, who gave me permission to post her comments publicly. Even though it's based in a very sad loss, her perspective is an excellent one to share with other women who are in the process of trying very hard to become a mother:

I lost a chemical pregnancy earlier this month. It was doomed from the start with very low and slowly increasing betas. The week the pregnancy symptoms kicked in, I was a wreck. I forgot to grade some tests for my students, I wasted a lot of time reading "What to expect" type books, and I got nothing accomplished on my dissertation (which is now due in less than 2 weeks). I had serious pregnancy head. I could not think straight, which if you were to know me is NOT a good thing to occur.

Well, the miscarriage devastated me for about 4 days. On the 5th day, I pulled on my big-girl panties and faced life. (Well, okay, I confess, they were still thongs, but they were my most serious red ones.)

And what a job I have done! I am clicking away on the dissertation and WILL finish to finally graduate for the final time in May (3 times is the charm, right?). I have made my lists of what to paint as I work to put my house on the market (you can't paint if you're pregnant). I have started packing my books away. I am in high gear getting things done. Imagine getting your house ready to sell with pregnancy head.

Maybe there was a good reason for the embryo to die. It told me I CAN get pregnant. It forced me to look at what's going on now and realize I could never have done these things while retching over a toilet bowl. It's helped me be okay with waiting a couple of months (long enough to stain all those doors and roundup my poison ivy).

I am sitting here tonight, working on Chapter 5 (out of 5), and thinking maybe I shouldn't start again until July ... little things like that. It's not that I am still grieving the loss -- more, I am celebrating the idea of choice. I removed the time restriction of must-do-it-now-or-never-have-a-child.

With a forced one-month wait because of the miscarriage, I'm taking some quality "me" time. And on the crux of 3 and 4 hours sleep each night (which I could not have handled pregnant), I find I am thankful, finally thankful, that my little sesame seed was not able to make it.

Maybe God or fate (whichever you believe in) had a good reason for causing things to happen as they did. It's not that I didn't want a child -- I did and still do -- it's that it was not a good time for it to all happen. I guess the panic over my late start overtook my normal calculated self.

Now I am in a forced hiatus, extending it by a month more, and thinking of another. I'll be 40 in August, and seeing as how I just ovulated naturally yesterday, gosh, I know my body is still working well. I'm hope a month won't matter when all is said and done. I also hope others out there who think about throwing in the towel for a break do so ... TTCing is very hard on us Choice Mom wannabes. The physical is not nearly as taxing as the emotional.

Take time for yourselves, ladies. And go stain a few doors while you can!
Kathy

To Come:

If you decide to become a Choice Mom, the questions get even more detailed.