Losing, and Gaining...

From Choice-Mom-in-the-making Kathy, who gave me permission to post her comments publicly. Even though it's based in a very sad loss, her perspective is an excellent one to share with other women who are in the process of trying very hard to become a mother:

I lost a chemical pregnancy earlier this month. It was doomed from the start with very low and slowly increasing betas. The week the pregnancy symptoms kicked in, I was a wreck. I forgot to grade some tests for my students, I wasted a lot of time reading "What to expect" type books, and I got nothing accomplished on my dissertation (which is now due in less than 2 weeks). I had serious pregnancy head. I could not think straight, which if you were to know me is NOT a good thing to occur.

Well, the miscarriage devastated me for about 4 days. On the 5th day, I pulled on my big-girl panties and faced life. (Well, okay, I confess, they were still thongs, but they were my most serious red ones.)

And what a job I have done! I am clicking away on the dissertation and WILL finish to finally graduate for the final time in May (3 times is the charm, right?). I have made my lists of what to paint as I work to put my house on the market (you can't paint if you're pregnant). I have started packing my books away. I am in high gear getting things done. Imagine getting your house ready to sell with pregnancy head.

Maybe there was a good reason for the embryo to die. It told me I CAN get pregnant. It forced me to look at what's going on now and realize I could never have done these things while retching over a toilet bowl. It's helped me be okay with waiting a couple of months (long enough to stain all those doors and roundup my poison ivy).

I am sitting here tonight, working on Chapter 5 (out of 5), and thinking maybe I shouldn't start again until July ... little things like that. It's not that I am still grieving the loss -- more, I am celebrating the idea of choice. I removed the time restriction of must-do-it-now-or-never-have-a-child.

With a forced one-month wait because of the miscarriage, I'm taking some quality "me" time. And on the crux of 3 and 4 hours sleep each night (which I could not have handled pregnant), I find I am thankful, finally thankful, that my little sesame seed was not able to make it.

Maybe God or fate (whichever you believe in) had a good reason for causing things to happen as they did. It's not that I didn't want a child -- I did and still do -- it's that it was not a good time for it to all happen. I guess the panic over my late start overtook my normal calculated self.

Now I am in a forced hiatus, extending it by a month more, and thinking of another. I'll be 40 in August, and seeing as how I just ovulated naturally yesterday, gosh, I know my body is still working well. I'm hope a month won't matter when all is said and done. I also hope others out there who think about throwing in the towel for a break do so ... TTCing is very hard on us Choice Mom wannabes. The physical is not nearly as taxing as the emotional.

Take time for yourselves, ladies. And go stain a few doors while you can!
Kathy